When answering the phone, your emotional vibe is more important than the words that you say.
The same goes for your kid. Instead of teaching him the cheesy “Johnson residence?” line, simply have him focus on keeping a positive demeanor instead. Give him general guidelines to follow, and let his personality take the reigns.
The phone rings. Charlie picks up and responds with a warm and calm tone of voice. This should be his default affect at all times.
“Hello.” or, “Hi, this is Charlie speaking.”
“Hi. Can I speak with Marcia?”
“Sure. Who am I talking to?”
“This is Tim.”
Once the child knows with whom he is speaking, teach him to change his demeanor from warm and calm to enthusiastic. He wants to make Tim feel good about calling.
“Hi Tim! I’ll get my Mom in one second. Let me put you on hold.”
Charlie showed he was glad that Tim had called.
“Hey, Tim?
“Yeah?”
“She’s busy at the moment. Tell me your last name so she can give you a call back.”
Remember, it’s better to get multiple small commitments from someone rather than one big commitment.
Another thing to point out: notice how Charlie did not mention what his mother was doing? This is for safety reasons. We never want to let strangers, or even friends, know that your child is vulnerable.
If what you’re doing will only take a minute, tell Charlie to ask if the person would like to have a chat while he’s waiting. This is good practice for Charlie, and is better than making Tim wait in silence.
“She’s busy at the moment. If you stay on the line she can get to you in a minute, would you like that?”
“Sure.”
“Great. So what’s your favorite superhero, Tim?”
“Um… haha. I like Superman.”
“I like Superman too, but my favorite is Anakin Skywalker. Hold on Tim, here’s my Mom.”
“Hey Tim!”
Charlie, as taught, is the one who leads the conversation. He’s being taught how to act like an adult, and being Mom’s secretary can act as a medium for him to train.
I recommend teaching phone etiquette around when your child begins to read and write, for maturity reasons. As a guide, get out a piece of paper, write down these steps, and keep it near the kitchen phone. Feel free to use visual aids to help out.
They do their same thing every day, every week, and every year. They name their kids the same names everyone else names their kids. They enroll their kids in the activities every other kid is enrolled in, their family outings consist of the same top three places for families to go: Six flags, Disney, and Mt. Rushmore.
They:
Wear the same clothes
Make the same foods
Believe the same theories
Watch the same movies
Listen to the same music
This is not to say that this is bad. Most families are perfectly happy living this way, and that’s fine. That’s also not to say that if you are reading this and are realizing how boring your family life is, that you are a bad boring person.
It’s just that this is how everyone has been taught to think that families should be like. We just think, “This is the way it’s been for the past billion years, this is the way it must be.” So we never took a second thought at how we could mold our family to the way WE see fit.
As a family, you have the freedom to do whatever you damn like.
What I am simply trying to do is open your eyes to this. You have your own say at how to run the family, how to raise your kids, how you should live, how to spend your time. Instead of spending tons on Disney World, let them engage in different cultures. Instead of visiting the biggest tourist places when traveling, visit the small local towns where hardly anyone speaks English. Engulf yourself and your family in a different culture.
Not every family will care to do it any differently, most families are perfectly happy doing it “normal.” But to the family that is different, the family that goes off the tracks of the what always has been, theres a fire in your belly that needs to be fulfilled, to transcend the norm. You are “The New Parent,” the new family; because you are pioneering a new order, a new approach to how a family should be.
These families seek out each other; to have their kids mingle with each other, and the parents mingle with other “New Parents,” which makes your reality and worldview stronger. You may have different approaches to how to have a family, but that is the point. We are not trying to make a new “way to fam,” we are trying to tell you that you don’t necessarily have to do it the way everyone else is and how it’s been for years; you can ‘fam’ in any way that you’d like. Every “New Family” has their own way of living, and that is what is similar about them all, that they are all unique in what they do.
But there are distinctive similarities and trends with each “New Family.” They are innovators, they are creative, they are risk takers, and they are appreciative. They are passionate about something, they move towards their passions, they expose themselves to new things, they love people, and they don’t judge other families on how they fam or what they do. They love life and want to experience what it has to offer.
These are the new families, they are sprouting up everywhere. I’m searching for them, and I’m going to showcase them on CharismaticKid. I will get to know everything about how they do it, so you can get an idea of how a “New Family” goes about doing things, and you can learn from their approach, tweak it a little bit, and make your own way of doing it.
Want in on the action?
Do you think you are this type of parent, and want to meet other families like your own? Come visit us for FREE in New York City on September 19th, meet the other parents, get the free 220-page book, and learn a ton about how to transform your family from “eh,” to “AH!.” Become “The New Family.”
Ripley Grier Studios, 520 8th Ave, New York, NY 10018
Cost:
Totally Free!
Get your shoes on!
CharismaticKid’s first ever Superhero Seminar will be in New York City on Sunday, September 19th. This is a parents-only seminar, packed with two full hours of intense social skills and confidence training for you and your child. This is the only place in the world where you will get to learn how to teach this kind of thing at this deep of a level.
And here’s the crazy part. It’s free!
What’s that you say, Anthony? Free? Yes. Totally free to sign-up until September 1st. After that, I will charge $25 dollars a person. Free drinks, free food, and a free copy of my eBook, “CharismaticKid: The New Breed of Superhero”. I want you and your children to be the most charismatic people in your town, so when the next birthday party comes around, your family can “own the place” with your charm. Your kids will impress parents, lead kids, and shake hands with the Grandpas; while you are the center of attention at the hors d’oeuvres table. Your stories will no longer be of the “fizzled out” type, your body language will be dead on, and you will bring gasps whenever you walk into a room.
Why superheroes?
Your family will resemble the fun Pixar-animated family, “The Incredibles,” except instead of kickin’ some bad guy butt, you will be putting smiles on the faces of everyone that you meet. That is the new breed of superhero.
CharismaticKid is not about coming from a victim mindset, where you teach your child to “get by” in life if they are shy. Instead, we focus on charisma, and seeing eye to eye with the rest of the kids in the group. This is highly potent stuff that I have spent years studying, formulating, and executing in my favorite science lab called life.
Bullies? BULLIES? As a CharismaticKid, there are no bullies. Bullies are what happens when a child without strong body language and vocal tone enters a room. Bullies are what happens when you haven’t properly prepared your child for social interactions. Just as an athlete cramps up if he hasn’t properly stretched and warmed himself up before a big game, children will cramp up emotionally if you haven’t first prepped them for being social.
You will walk out of the seminar feeling like a new person, and being a New Parent, having a fresh look on raising your children. Because not only do we focus on social skills, obedience, and confidence, but another necessary piece of the puzzle: passions. Your children can’t be content in life if they have nothing to live for, and that goes for every person on this earth. I will expose to you the secret formula I’ve put together on how to teach you and your child to be passionate about life. Whether it is a passion for people, sports, or art, your child will become more charismatic, focused, and psyched about life once there is a reason to be living in it.
I know. You wish you had these skills around when you were a kid; your children are fortunate to have parents like you that are ambitious enough to learn this kind of stuff. And you are fortunate enough to have an opportunity to capitalize on the most important part of your children’s life: relationships with others. Think about it, what good would math, science, english, and geography be if there was no one else on this earth? Human connections are of utmost importance in a person’s life, yet there is no place to learn how to teach it to your kids! There is no book on this type of thing, there is no class in school you or your kids can take. That’s until CharismaticKid. (You will be receiving the book in your e-mail at a surprise time!)
CharismaticKid is the first and only company that specializes in teaching skills in human interaction for parents and their children. We are the best at what we do.
Learn how to turn your rambunctious lil’ guy into a miniature soldier. No more treating yourself as the “servant” to your kids, but the leader.
Teach your child how to follow your every word and command, looking to please you at every moment of the day.
Discover the REAL way to reward good behavior, while ignoring the bad.
Confidence
Learn how to prevent the onset of an “ego” in your child before it has a chance to develop.
Teach them what it means to be a “selfless person.”
Get them to understand what it means to be a “value giver.”
Conversation
Bleeding-edge conversational techniques from “Hello!” all the way to “Let’s set up a playdate!”
Highly potent body language techniques that can disarm a bully before he has a chance to strike.
Learn how to work a group and teach your child to do the same.
Passions
Learn the three-step method for getting your kid ultra passionate about life.
Daily after-school activities that are sure turn your child from a video game junkie into a movie producer, artist, musician, or entrepreneur.
Find out how to go on “The New Vacation.”
What to get for his birthday. (It’s not what you’d think)
Games and Exercises
A bevy of improv games specifically made to skyrocket your child’s conversational skills up through the roof.
Creativity exercises that are so powerful, you will be stunned at how they work. (It’s almost black magic!)
We will be doing all of these exercises during the seminar, so you can see them working in action.
Do you see how ridiculously beneficial this seminar will be to you and your children? And the insane fact that it is free is just unheard of. The only reason I am making this seminar free, is because it is the world’s FIRST, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want as many parents to experience my teachings, and the only way to do that is to make it open to the public. But trust me, it won’t be like this for long. The Superhero Seminar will cost $25 to each person that signs up after September 1st. You’d be crazy not to sign-up and come to this. You are basically wasting money by missing out on this opportunity. You understand that if you wait too long, you’ll forget about the deadline and end up having to pay money to get in. That’s stupid. Just sign-up now and you have nothing to worry about.
Since this seminar is totally free, I have but one request. Please bring as many friends as you can. Even if you can bring your spouse, that is excellent. The more people that can benefit from this program, the better. And it’s free. They do not need to sign-up on this page, only you do.
So how do you get in? Just sign-up below and you’re in. Afterwards, I’ll send you a letter in the mail and then give you a call the week before the seminar to confirm your guest count. And that’s it! Get excited.
…with a better personality than most people I know. This kid is outgoing, sociable, funny, positive, and energetic. He has already learned facial expressions normally possessed by nine-year-olds. He uses adjectives like colossal and gigantic. He has no fear, and he is an approval giver. He was giving ME compliments! Most of all, he’s always living in the moment.
He was at a birthday party I was doing, so I chatted with his Mom to see what was going on. The first thing she said was, “I talk to him all the time.” But I wasn’t satisfied, so I approached her again. I asked her what she did to make him have such great social skills at such a young age. She told me that instead of talking to him from a logistical standpoint, she is always stimulating his imagination.
For instance, instead of telling him, “Let’s get in the car and drive to school,” she will say, “Quick! There’s a dinosaur on our car and we have to get in there before he eats us! It’s a learning dinosaur and maybe he’ll come to school with us!”
She is exciting his imagination while teaching him the beauty of creative expression towards others. Instead of making life seem like a chore, she made every little task into an adventure that she and her child had the opportunity to engage in. To translate this into a lesson for you, this kid’s brain is always being stimulated, he is never thinking of something as work, or as a wall to climb over, but rather something to enjoy – all the time. His mind is always being challenged from his mother — constantly keeping his mind active.
I think he’ll grow up to be an actor, businessman, or maybe a political figure, but one thing I know for sure is that he will be a great conversationalist and loved by everyone he meets. If you are not enjoying your interactions with your kid, they are not going to enjoy their interactions with others. When you are having fun together, speak with your child like they are your best friend. When it is time to be a parent, be a parent. But without seeing your child as your friend, they will always see themselves as just a child.
You can wear shorts and a t-shirt and run around in the park, go hiking on the trails, throw frisbees and build sandcastles on the beach. This is exactly the time where you and your kids should be getting social and making friends with other families. Not only for your kids’ benefit, but for yours as well.
Don’t you find it weird that while chilling out on the beach with hundreds of people around you, nobody has the confidence to say one word to each other except for the peeps in their group? To me, life is about making connections with other people; I would hate to be one of those monks hiding inside a cave all my life.
But we still manage to keep to ourselves in public most of the time. It’s only if we are forced into a social situation or stumble upon a good social opportunity do we actually make the effort to interact with someone else. I dream of a world where people are making friends with each other while grocery shopping and there is no fear of making that push to meet someone new in our daily lives.
I hope you feel the same way, and I hope that’s why you’re here; because you want to change the way things are socially going in the world.
The thing is, other people are not going to make that effort for you, you have to be the fiery thunderbird that rises above and takes the first step each day to “break the social ice” as I like to call it. That moment you feel hesitant to say something to the person next to you, that is the exact time you should open your mouth. Take the social initiative!
When you see that Mom grabbing the obscure “bread and butter” pickle jar at Shoprite, let her know you dig weird pickles too, and then branch into other favorite foods you like. If you see a family building a sandcastle next to you at the beach, instead of making your own, walk over with your kid and help them build it.
This isn’t a suggestion. I’m not asking you to do this — I’m TELLING YOU. Each day I want you to take a new initiative with your kid to meet new people and make connections. Show your kids how it’s done, and then encourage them to do the same thing. I like to call it, “throwing them into the lion’s den,” sometimes kids have to be thrown into new situations in order for them to experience and enjoy them. It’s like getting into a cold pool, you can’t stick your toes in there and gradually make your way into it, sometimes you just have to jump. That is the kick in the butt that your kids’ sometimes need.
Just like I said in the video, I want you to go onto the Faybo page, (CharismaticKid’s Facebook) and post a comment on the question asked, “How have you been a Superhero and taken the social initiative with your kids so far this Summer?” I’m looking forward to your answers, and I better see some great and unique ways to make friends.
CharismaticClub members, I’m especially looking at you! It’s your job to set an example; you are deemed superheroes by CharismaticKid, don’t you let me down!
“The New Parent” is a series where I interview parents that embody the idea of what I call “The New Parent.” These parents challenge the status quo and raise confident, superhero-like, charismatic kids by exposing them to their parents’ passions. You can notice these families from a mile away; they are unique and passionate about life. They teach their kids to dive head first into what life has to offer, and are raising the entrepreneurs, the artists, the musicians, the actors, the politicians, the athletes, the travelers, any job that takes charisma, creativity, confidence, and passion.
Aside from making people laugh, Brian Huskey is very much not like the arrogant Dad that he portrays in those Swagger Wagon commercials. He’s a humble family man with a three-year-old daughter. He taught me so much about how to inspire a creative confidence into kids, and I think he’ll do the same for you.
Brian: She’s seen me perform, I did a kids’ show one time, and I was dressed like an elf, and just acted ridiculous, and she does understand now, when I say “Daddy has to go to work,” she’s like “Oh, daddy’s gonna go be silly” which I think is great.. That she can sort of equate that yes, you can be paid to go be silly. So sort of a long-winded answer, I think she’s by proxy maybe getting an idea of what I do, and what I’m really into, and she has a great sense of humor. But it’s not anything I’m dictating to her. I definitely don’t want to take her to commercial auditions, because that is a horrible road for a kid to go down.
Anthony: I agree. And I think a big thing is not necessarily pushing your child to do what you do, but more of encouraging your child to be passionate about life in any way, through the same way that you do it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be acting, or comedy, but just getting her to see how much you enjoy doing what you do, and then letting her realize that she can do something that she loves on her own.
Brian: Age three, she’s into just complete invention of worlds, and spontaneous games, and I always participate whole-heartedly because it is like improv, she has the understanding of improv, just like “We’re gonna do this,” “Yes, we’re gonna do this, and we’re gonna do it as much as we can.” So as much as I’m available to that, I’m always like, “Sure, we are both rabbits driving a bus, let’s do this.” Because I know a lot of parents probably are just like playtime, and there’s this time, and I just.. the rewards I get from being with her during during this time that you have this unfiltered creativity, you gotta go for it while it’s there. Because come age 13, she’s gonna resent us, and turn into a teenager.
Anthony: I definitely like that you’re kinda letting her use her spontaneous, creative self, and that’s something else that I really like to teach to parents. Do you have any types of specific games that you play with her, that you think help her bring out that creative side?
Brian: I let her be the leader, and I think that’s been a good thing because I think we’ve just been like, “What do you want to do?” And let her take the lead and she’s starting to do that with her friends more. She’s been like, “Let’s play this game.” She kind of opens the rules and learns about collaborating and sharing. And those are big things in improv, you should say, “Yes, and..” Whatever information or ideas someone offers up, you say, “Yes, and..” then you add something else to it. And I totally see that with her. Now talking, I guess I am sort of bringing some of my own passion because my passion for improv is ten years plus, and I’m still completely into it. And for her it’s naturally. it just gravitates towards her. It’s great. I hope that never gets squashed because I think self-conciousness or someone else saying, “No, you can’t do that,” that’s where.. someone issuing that authority of “No, we can’t do that.” If you don’t have creative confidence or excitement about it, you’re gonna be like “Oh, you’re right, we can’t.” So, hopefully she’ll have enough of that, like “No, this is a much clearer option. Let’s be two rabbits driving a bus.”
Anthony: I think you bring up a good point about.. I find a lot of times people feel obligated, it’s not really parents’ faults or anything, but it’s just kind of a social constraint of keeping with rules when we play games, just because that’s how it’s always been. For instance, if you’re telling a stotry to your kid at night, and they say “Why don’t I tell you the story?” That’s something cool that I think parents should do. It’s something that I teach. Have your child tell you a story before they go to bed.
Brian: Yeah, we totally do that. I’m quite often the baby that she tucks me in, and she’ll leave the room, and I’ll cry, and she’ll say “What’s wrong, baby?” And I’ll say, “Can you give me a kiss?” Or, “I want a story” and she’s really into.. the stories are like, “There was a bear, and he went into the house and ate a sandwich. The end.” To.. now they they really have a long arc to them. And then she’s also starting reading books to us. She’ll take her favorite book that we like to read to her and she’ll look at the pages, and tell us the story. And then, once she started doing that, she started adding stuff. She starts layering the ideas she has on top of what she already knows or what she’s imagining at that moment, which is really great. My wife was really smart that she’s like.. even though she’s learning colors and shapes and stuff.. when we’re playing, even if she says that blue is pink, blue is pink, just let it be, blue is pink. Or, for the games, we just started doing that, and then after a while she started to say, “Oh, you’re right,” And then she would correct like “No, that’s not pink, it’s blue.” And she’s been saying like she has the authority in the game, and she can say whether we’re gonna pretend like this is blue, or no, you misunderstand, this is actually blue. So that’s kind of cool.
Anthony: So who do you think is funnier, you or your daughter? Or your wife?
Brian: Oh God.. My daughter. For sure. I don’t know if she can remember lines, but if you just let her go, pretty great. She should be hocking cars instead of me, I should just sit back, relax. But then I’d turn into one of those “Stage Dads.” It’d be terrible.
Anthony: This doesn’t have to be as deep as it sounds, but already taking into account the unconditional love you and all parents have for their children, how do you think that you do differently with your daughter compared to what you see everyone else doing?
Brian: For us, it’s just very natural. It’s like, “You are so awesome, whatever you wanna do, just do it, and you’re going to.. we’re just gonna be there with that.” And for her, given what I said about her being shy and stuff, I think it’s kinda helped her to just be like, “Yeah, here I am.” Like, we started to notice that she’s sorta started posing out of nowhere, she’ll just walk into the room, and make a little pose, this triumphant thing, and then run out. And that’s pretty great that she has the impulse to come in like, “What’s up world? Here I am!” And then just be out. And I think that just comes from.. if she’s doing something, we’re always kinda blown away by it.. “That’s pretty great.” So if that’s a philosophy, it’s more just an impulsive organic reaction to how much we love her. Try to whittle that down to a sound bite!
Anthony: Well I think what you’re trying to say is, allow her to be who she wants to be.
Brian: Yeah, and I think the other thing is, maybe the other part of that is, allow yourself to be unfiltered with that. I think that’s a big part, I think a lot of parents are like, “Oh, that’s not appropriate right now in the setting to react to you.” But no, I want everybody else to see how much I love you.
Did you like this? If so, shoot me an e-mail or ‘wall’ me on Facebook with a suggestion for the next parent in our “New Parent” series. I hope you were able to take something from Brian’s words, something that you can transfer to your own child to help them become a more “CharismaticKid.”
Hey all you lovely parents! I’ve been checking out the message boards, and noticing a trend in parenting posts. Most questions on parenting have to do with kids acting up and parents at their wits end with what to do and how to deal with it. When your kids are super duper upset, and yelling at you the unspeakables (“I hate you,” “You’re mean!”), our first reaction is to get upset with them and yell back. But when your child sees that their reality is stronger than yours, when they can make YOU react emotionally to things that they do, they know they have power over you.
As Eckhart Tolle says, in my faint translation, “Negativity can not arise when one of the two in a relationship is not feeling negative emotions; for the person that is totally conscious and without ego will bring the person that is feeling pain into a calm and conscious state.”
Think about that quote as your child is working on getting over his “terrible two’s.” As you get angry, you are only feeding his anger with yours. Or as I like to say, “Put shit in, get shit out.” And this rule is valid not just when interacting with your children, but when interacting with ANYONE. Why? Because the negative energy that you use throughout the day stays inside of you, so when your children see you acting upset around other friends and family members, they see it as a normal behavior; something that is acceptable when interacting with others. That transcends into their brains and they will use it on you and others.
Remember, children don’t have any basis for what is socially acceptable. So when they see negativity, they will deem it as a platform for socially acceptable behavior.
Let me address one more thing. Anger is something that stays inside people; that is why some parents will remain “disappointed” and “upset” even after their kids’ time-out has ended. This is the wrong thing to do. You are essentially holding a grudge against your child. Dumb, ain’t it?
Instead, after you have laid down the law, go back to being the loving, happy, silly parent you always are with your kid. Act as if their naughtiness had never happened. The only time you gotta be “Superwoman” is when they act up. Never hold a grudge. Superman wouldn’t.
Hey! Did you like this post? Did you hate it? Please let me know! Make friends with me on Faybo (Facebook) and tell me what you think (http://www.facebook.com/anthonyrecenello). Not a faybo lover? That’s okay, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll get back to you before the day is over.
…bringing them out into social settings and getting them to meet and connect with new people. The common issue I dealt with most was helping them find things to say to the people they’d approach.
They didn’t understand that it had less to do with what to say, and more to do with just being confident enough to say anything.
I realized that most of my students were expecting the other person to provide the value during the conversation, which is what people tend to do when nervous or shy. In order for them to lose the little monster in their heads that filtered every word that came out of their mouths, I needed to get them to mentally change gears into a verbal stream of consciousness.
I found the best way to do this was to get them to freestyle rap with me before going out. As silly as this sounds, it worked. It’s also a great exercise to do with your children! It forces them to constantly be spitting out words and rhyming them on the spot while attempting to have it all make sense.
Plus, you get to show off your family’s totally mad chill freestyle skills in your swagger wagon. Can you be any more awesome than to teach your kids how to rap on beats?
It’s not hard to find beats to rap to, just open up iTunes Music Store and type in “rap beats.” There are a lot of crappy beats out there, but there are also some good ones. Download the good ones, and then make a “Freestyle” playlist in iTunes so you can easily locate them.
Start a cypher during car rides by popping in the beat CD into your car stereo and rapping with your kids on the way to Shoprite. A great game to play while freestyling is called “The Word Game.” Each rapper gets a turn at rhyming a set of words for twenty to thirty seconds each. After he starts getting tired, move on to the next kid, and so on.
Mommy: “Car.”
Aaron: “Well I’m ridin’ in the car, and I go real far. I shine really bright, I’m a superstar! I am a good boy, and I love my mom. I hear the baby crying on the intercom!”
Daddy: “Running.”
Charlie: “I love jumping and running, and I think it’s really funny. I hop around a lot just like a little bunny!”
When just starting out, make sure the “cypher” begins with you so your children can get an idea of what it’s all about. As time goes on, forget the rules and just start freestyling with each other. You’d be surprised at how talented kids can get at this game, all they need is practice and after a few weeks they’ll be spittin’ rhymes like pros.
Remember, the goal is not to sound like Jay-Z while practicing. I expect you to rap crappy at first! But the whole point is to harness you and your kids creativity in a fun way. Your rhymes can be silly, and start off super simple, just make sure you are having fun.
Plus, you can sleep well knowing that you are the coolest parents in the universe. Anytime parents do something creative with their children, coolness happens. Rock on.
Want to download the freestyle rap playlist so you can bump beats in your swagger wagon with your kids? Click here!
Let me lay this down on the table real nice for you:
Communicating to your child that he must always be right is the quickest way to raise a narcissist.
We hear people talk about it all the time: “That guy is a narcissist! Get him outta here!” But what the heck does it mean to be a narcissist? What is narcissism? Well, gee golly goo, let me tell you!
A narcissist is a person that always needs to be right. Being wrong is punishable by death in a narcissists mind. They can never be wrong, it is impossible. If someone proves him wrong, the world would implode and dogs would talk and pigs would fly! The sky would come falling down and hell would freeze over. When I’m talking with a narcissist, I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, like I have to watch what I say less I offend him. A narcissist will never show his weaknesses, for showing weakness is weak. He can never look at the other side of things, for he has one stance on a topic and all else not seeing it his way is wrong.
But be advised, there is a fine line between noticing what is a narcissist and confident person, because the characteristics are similar, only the motive is what differs.
Let me explain. A narcissist will do something solely for the benefit of looking better in front of others, and feeling higher value to themselves. A confident person does things for the benefit of himself as well as others, looking to make other feel good about themselves.
Narcissists make everything work in their favor because they hate the feeling of being wrong, they hate the feeling of failing, so they convince themselves that they are always right in some way. This is different from a confident individual, who merely sees the positive side to everything, and isn’t affected negatively, while still having the ability to recognize the reality of a situation. A narcissist also loves external excuses that are out of his control. They tend to lash out at individuals that disagree with their opinion, or have a different view. They’ll challenge that person until they see it his way. This is a big thing to learn about because you can notice when you or your child is slipping into a narcissistic mindset and be more able to get out of it.
When you reprimand a child for being wrong, it makes them uncomfortable with making mistakes, or ever admitting they have made a mistake or failed.
It makes them uncomfortable with admitting that they are wrong. This creates quiet kids, which turns into quiet adults. Boring personalities will spawn from people afraid of looking wrong in front of others. Theyll have no character, no pizzazz, only comfortable with conforming to what the social consensus deems as acceptable.
The beginning of class is my first opportunity to get kids talking about themselves. I’ll usually make an open-ended question that gives room for a unique response: What is a scary dream youve had? Some kids will jump to answer my questions, as they love the limelight. The majority, though, will stare back at me with body language signaling their discomfort, squirming around in their seat, hoping that I will be nice and move on to the next child. It’s not that they have never had a scary dream before, or that they dont know what I’m talking about. When this happens, children feel they are being put on the spot, tested. They are scared of saying something that doesn’t fit what I may deem as acceptable, so they say nothing. Either that, or they just repeat what the child before them had said. They think that I am looking for a certain answer, they dont realize that there is no wrong answer.
Any answer a child will give to me is right. I will respond to hesitant childrens answers with big eyes and a smile, I want them to know that anything they say, as long as it is genuine, is cherished.
Social skills and confidence are very much NOT like math, where we are always trying to find a solution to a problem. Conversation is a way to get a feel for the personality of the persons you are speaking to. This translates into adulthood where chit-chat and small talk means fake conversation, people dont mean what they are saying, they are saying it because it is socially acceptable to say. As an adult, you cant simply squirm around and say nothing like a four year old is allowed to do. You have to give some kind of answer to questions asked, so instead of not saying anything, most people give run-of-the-mill, uninteresting, dull, conventional answers for fear of saying something wrong. Instead of encouraging your children to be the politically correct person, encourage creativity; be okay with what they say. People have been going about it backwards. Instead of teaching children to first learn political correctiveness as the basis for social skills, instead teach them to speak their mind. Later, after they are pros at being themselves, then you can start implementing what society deems as acceptable.
Part of confidence comes from being comfortable with your vulnerabilities. This means being unafraid of being judged by others, which will prevent children from becoming insecure with themselves. Also, if they are affected by others opinions, it will influence them to judge other people in the same negative way. Thats what a bully is, a narcissist. Have you noticed that parents of bullies are never searching for help on parenting? Its because usually the parents have narcissistic tendencies themselves, and are afraid to say that they have done something wrong. We want our children comfortable with being wrong, it creates a certain charm in a person, a likeableness that others can relate to.
When you teach your children to be scared of making mistakes, an interesting thing happens. Your children will feel as though they are not a valuable person if they make a mistake. When you expect only the best from your child, they will feel like they are only good when they are being successful. This value bar creates either a fear to succeed or a fear of failure in your child. Some children will become so afraid to fail that they will always be working to do well. This seems like a good way to teach your children, scare them into becoming successful. And they may very well turn out as such, but youve instilled a fear upon them that will make them feel unworthy as a person when they make a mistake or fail. On the other hand, this value bar can also make your children so scared of failure that they will never attempt to achieve anything. They would rather stay mediocre and with nothing rather than risk failure. When you set up the dynamic that failing is the worst possible scenario, youve brainwashed your child into a mental straitjacket, feeling that neither success or failure can bring happiness. Instead, teach your children that failure is a good thing; without failure, you will never learn from your mistakes. Making mistakes is necessary to independently achieving your goals. How can you know how to properly navigate the road to success if you havent fully experienced every pothole and bed of black ice that is to come? This transcends into business and relationships, to any passion that someone might have. This of course does not mean you should just let your child wallow in failure as if it is a way to live. Encourage them towards success, all while teaching them the value of failure. An easy way to say it is, Now you know what NOT to do anymore! Keep an out for that in the future.
What can spawn from this teaching your kids that failure is bad is the popular line, I cant do that! What does that mean? The child is saying that he is afraid of failure, because he has never succeeded in this task before. So instead of attempting this task, he would rather not even do it in the first place. Kids are even scared of PRACTICING a skill because that is an indication that they are not already masters of it already. I tell them, If you already knew how to do it, you wouldnt be here. The reason you are here is to LEARN how to do this, not to show that you can do it already. In fact, outlaw the word cant from your childs vocabulary, they dont need it. If they say that word, remind them that theyre not allowed to say that and must replace it with, I will try my best at doing this, or, I CAN do this, when someone talks and acts like a confident person, it encourages them to keep on a positive and confident mindset. Talking with negative vocab will only deter them from success.
In order for your children to make mistakes, they must first take risks. And in order for your children to take risks, you must allow them to do so. There is a fine line between the overly protective and paranoid parent, and the parent who wants to keep their child safe. Do not fall into the former category. There is a difference between your child being in real danger and getting a few cuts and scrapes here and there. They will be okay! Have trust in your children and they will have trust in themselves. Allow them to make mistakes and to learn from them on their own, there is a difference between being a mentor and giving too much preventative advice. When you allow your child to take a risk, it will transcend into other parts of life. For instance, letting your child take the chance of going down a playground slide face first can be a scary thought, what if he ends up eating a handful of woodchips for dinner? But that same risk can translate into taking the risk of meeting someone new at a birthday party, or shoot to twenty years later and it can prevent him from taking the risk of striking conversation with that pretty girl he sees at his friends wedding. Confidence in taking risks is important, and you need to allow your kids to make their own choices, even if it means swallowing a worm or two.
As you can see, teaching inner confidence to your children is less what you do and more of what you dont do. You have to tell yourself, I will not step in the way of my childs choices to be who they are. Most of the insecurities stem from external sources, never from within. As stated earlier, children are naturally happy and confident people, it is when they are put in the setting with adults is when they start to form the ego. Your job is to keep them the pure and beautiful people that they are all while teaching them to live and survive within modern society. When talking about teaching confidence, less is more. Let them teach you something about confidence.
In the last post, John showed us how his confident body language and loud and resonant vocal tone was what put him in a good position to turn a potentially ugly situation into something friendly. Instead of “sticking up for himself” which is something weak people do, he was approaching the situation from a totally different reality. He looked at Harvey as an equal, rather than someone who should be getting picked on.
“Frank the Tank”
Sometimes, though, it’s not as simple as the bus situation. Two years pass and John is now eight. He was playing outside during recess, and a new bully, Frank, began to get jealous about who John was playing with.
Frank: You can’t play with Maria. She’s my friend. Get out of here!
Though going to a teacher is a way to fix the problem, it’s only a temporary solution to a bigger problem. John needs to deal with this part on his own, or he’ll never be able to do it when he gets older.
Trying to argue with someone that enjoys making problems is a waste of time. John would just get sucked into a bad situation and before you know it, he’d be in detention. Instead, John was taught to ignore negative comments or make them positive. Bullies are always looking to get a negative reaction from someone. But when they find that you are impenetrable to negativity, they go try bothering someone else.
John: Hey!
John knows that a loud dominant voice, good eye contact, and a smile set him up as the leader. This shakes Frank out of his negative trance for a second and takes him off guard.
John: Come play with us! We’re playing basketball and need a referee.
Done with confident and positive body language, Frank will either accept the invitation or go find someone else to pick on. If, however, he doesn’t, John can choose to walk away with Maria and play on something else. It’s not a big deal. The main thing is to not get upset. Bullies like to get negative reactions out of people. But if John doesn’t give him a negative reaction, Frank won’t bother him anymore.
What’s your bully story? What happened when you were bullied as a kid? What happened when your own kid got bullied? What have you learned? How has it become different? Shoot me an e-mail and let me know. I’ll get back to you tomorrow… promise.
Love,
Tony (Anthony’s ‘cool’ alter-ego)
P.S. – If you are a CharismaticClub member, expect to be getting some videos sent to you in the next week.
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