If I get close, she’ll start crying and squeezing her mother for dear life. This is natural, especially if she’s not comfortable around men. The problem lies with how the mother deals with the situation. If the mom coddles her, she is confirming that her daughter should fear for her life and that I am dangerous.
When you protect your child, it should only be when her life is in apparent danger. Protecting your child when there is no danger present makes her fearful for her life in secure situations. Now how silly does that sound? In no way should a parent do this if she wants her daughter to become socialized and comfortable around others, especially new people.
Sometimes my superiors have told me to hide in the office during class, hoping that would fix the problem. In the short term, yes. The girl will enjoy her class without any fear of danger. But if the mother wants her daughter to overcome her fear of strangers, this is the worst possible route to take. She is putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.
If your kid easily becomes scared by certain adults who clearly pose no threat, the first thing to do is to strike up a conversation with that person while your kid is watching. This will prove to your daughter that you like and approve of that person. In no way should you pacify her by acceding to her demands; this will only tell her that her crying is acceptable, which it is not.
Keep a distance of only 1-2 feet away from each other and lightly touch each other on the arm when conversing. This will confirm that you and the person are now friends. Tell the person not to talk, touch, or make eye contact with your daughter.
I’ve spent a lot of time finding ways for very fearful kids to open up to me. I never approach them head on, and I never make eye contact, speak, or touch these children. In fact, I am giving 100% of my attention to everyone except the kid that is scared of me. She will see that I am a value giver, someone who spreads joy freely towards others. When I give all of my love and approval to everyone in the room except her, three things happen:
1. She becomes less fearful of me because I am totally ignoring her presence.
2. She realizes that her standoffishness is what caused me to naturally stay away from her.
3. She ends up fighting for my attention.
Kids and adults are different. Whereas an adult would consider being ignored as rude, a child does not take offense to something like this, as she does not possess an ego. The most important part of all this is your energy towards her fearfulness. If you reward her unnecessary fearful energy with comfort and protection, you are telling her that it is okay to be a scaredy-cat, and to do it more often.
Tell us ways that you deal with an overly fearful son or daughter. Tell us what has worked and what hasn’t. What is your take on this post? Do you think it will work, or do you think your kid will be too scared to even notice what’s going on?
Let us know in the comments!