Total Read Time: 5 mins.
Fun-O-Meter: 5/10 Giggles
Meaningfulness: 9/10 Aha! Moments
Questions are a necessary part of our social culture, asking a question really is a slick attempt at getting a feel for the person we are talking to so we may eventually make a connection with that person. It has been made obvious in first post that close-ended questions limit your ability to accomplish this task, and asking open-ended questions can open the conversational floodgates of the other person. Let’s think of an open-ended question as, “a question that is not made to elicit a desired answer, but rather encourage a unique one.” The problem with closed-ended questions is they give life to a person’s weak side, encouraging them to remain monosyllabic and short when speaking. There is no opportunity for persons to express themselves when answering a close-ended question, because the person asking it is not looking for your unique perspective, they only want to hear their desired answer and be done with it.
Randy: “Did you have fun at the park today?”
Anna: “Yes.”
Randy was hoping the best for Anna, it’s obvious he’s not looking for a “No.” But does that make the question any better? Most people will answer, “Yes,” to a close-ended question to appease the person that is asking it. She will answer the way Randy wants her to answer because she has learned that saying, “No,” can make for unpleasant conversation and sometimes even be considered disrespectful. It’s a nice way to quickly feign a connection with another person. But I would rather never make a connection with a person than make a bunch of fake ones. People won’t take me as an authentic person, people won’t respect me or regard me as a person who values genuine connections and has a high regard for my interests. In fact, I find people who don’t have firm values to be boring. The wishy-washy character that lives to please everyone but never is truly happy makes me sad. Sure, people will “like” that person, but will they respect that person? Will they be inspired by that person’s honesty and intention? There’s a quote I read recently that I can’t track down at the moment, but it went something like this:
Now think about that. There will always be people who don’t like who you are, the things you have to say, or your opinions about things. In fact, the more passionate you are about things that you love in life, the more chances for somebody to criticize you about them. But I would rather be honest with how I feel than to lead a life of dishonesty for the small payment of avoiding potential for others to make themselves upset at me. It just isn’t worth it to me. What I’m getting at is that we can’t interact with others unless we are being genuine in our words and actions. We can’t continue talking about conversation unless we understand the meaning of expression. Productive interactions spawn from genuine expression of emotions. If your personal method of expression is bogus, no sense in learning how to use the tools needed to efficiently conduct various types of conversation. Tools are only functional if the content is valuable. It’s like trying to hammer a crooked nail into the wall with a broken hand, it just not happenin’!
Honesty is my first rule in having a good conversation, meaning expressing how we feel through use of emotions. People want you to be honest about how you feel about things, would you rather have a friend that agrees with everything you say while the entire time disagreeing with you on the inside, or a friend that appreciates your honesty and returns it with reciprocal honesty? When a person simply agrees with what others say to appease sensitive egos, they are losing respect from those people. Furthermore, they are lying to them by assuming that they enjoy being treated like a baby. Not even children like being treated like babies! Dishonesty is essentially weakening a connection between two people. If both parties are being insincere, you are effectively putting on a show for each other. Even MTV has learned that real drama is more entertaining than something fictional.
But to every person that reads this, there will be the 1% that misinterprets the message. Those are the people that will say, “So does this mean I can tell my boss that his butt stinks, and I can tell the person in front of me in line at the bank to ‘shut the heck up’ if they’re on their cell phone?” Of course not. Learning to be honest and refraining from fake chitchat is not an excuse to be negative towards others. On the contrary, learning to be genuine in conversation is incredibly rewarding to everyone involved and is an excuse to strengthen a bond that may have never been created otherwise. Being honest also has to do with knowing how to properly word the things that you want to say, but also knowing when to keep your mouth shut. There is an art to this skill that comes from experience interacting with others and this is why children have a hard time knowing when to say the right thing. Understand that they are allowed to mess up during conversation, this is their time that they are learning the difference between right and wrong, and the subtleties and rhythm of how a conversation works. It is your job to enable and allow them to make these discrepancies between conducive and non-conducive conversation. Encourage them to speak their mind!
The first way to teach sincerity to your children is to be absolutely sincere with them yourself. There’s no sense in teaching your child the values of honesty and moral when you are filling them with white lies yourself. I think adults feel the need to shelter children from the real world, acting as if it is a happy “candy land” kind of place where nothing bad can happen except booboos and rainstorms. But that is not necessary, and can actually slow down the rate of their maturity as they grow. The world is very much not a horrible place, but that doesn’t mean that bad things can’t happen. What you want to do is be realistic with them about things. When they ask questions, don’t feel hesitant to tell them the truth. And remember, the truth doesn’t have to be gruesome and horrid in order to be “real”, you’re allowed to “water down” truths and situations, as long as they understand what is really going on. You’d be surprised at how maturely they will take it. For example, if someone passes away, tell your child about what happened so they may understand one of the inevitable laws of life, death. It is not weird to bring your child to the funeral so they may experience and understand what it means for someone close to die. Tell them the truth about what has happened, let them know that it is something that happens to every person, as it will help them better understand the value of life. You will find that when children are taught life lessons at a younger age, it does not taint them or “scar” them, but rather set them up for a more mature future. Parenting is simply introducing your child to life, not trying to keep them a child for as long as possible. I see the meaning of the word “child” not as a fixed individual, but something that is constantly growing and molding as time progresses. Treat them as such.