(Here are the notes I wrote before I made this video. Messy but useful as a refresher.)

Your Equilibrium

As I spoke about in the last video, I said the the BEST WAY to prevent or end bullying in your child’s life is to raise a child with good inner confidence. It is the basis to everything. Blaming schools or parents or whatever will never work… at least for the long term. The main problem here is that people are bothering him, and he is deciding his happiness based on others. That is not confidence. With confidence, He must be able to be happy without anyone. This is not saying he has to be a buddhist monk living in caves, not speaking for years at a time. But we want to have a general understanding that he does not need any external sources to keep him at equilibrium. The reason why people are so depressed is because they’ve been raised to rely on THINGS to make them happy… maybe its coddling when they fall, maybe its a toy to make them feel good when they’re down, maybe its friends to bring them up when they are down. I’m sorry to break all of the regularly accepted ideals, but friends and coddles, and other things like that should only EMBELLISH your already love for life, not act as the thing that makes it happy.

The Endless Well

There is an endless well of happiness and contentment bubbling inside each and every person, its the only fuel source that never runs out as you use it, but only grows stronger the more you use it. However, we’ve chosen to use auxiliary fuel sources for creating energy and contentment, external ones. And we are constantly working and consuming as much of it as we can. Little do we know it’s there all the time. The more it is used, the more it refuels. We’ll talk more about this in later episodes, but right now, the main idea is to realize that the way you get your kid realizing this is to abstain from providing him with external contentment, and to show him how to access this “endless well” while acting as the BEST EXAMPLE of this when around him.

Here are the ways to make it happen:

Never get negatively emotional

I say NEVER. Why? Because I’m not talking to the parents that want to half ass this parenting thing. I mean NEVER EVER get negatively emotional. If you ever do, which I have… twice… I tell the child that I’m human and despite my insane efforts, every now and then things will get the best of me. We’ll talk about how to control this in a bit. When you get negatively emotional, it shows your child that getting negatively emotional is conducive to a good life, since you are the leader, and you are doing it. This also means that you will never EMOTIONALLY react to a child when they get upset, angry, or whatever. This shows you are able to react to your child in a negative way, which shows you are weak and they can control your emotions. The leader can control his own emotions.

Stay always positive

Staying always positive sounds like the obvious thing if you are to never get emotional, but you wouldn’t always think of that. Staying positive shows that this is the best way to live a great life, and they will follow suit. A lot of people say it’s hard for them to get like this, but I am speaking to the parents that are consistently exercising rigorously, eating extremely healthy, and getting ample sleep at night. If you’re not doing these three things, then don’t even think about how you can be always positive. They are protocol, givens. Every situation should be seen through the eyes of a positive person. Anytime something seemingly negative precipitates, I look at it in a way where it always benefits, or ignore it and focus on the positive. I never accept negative things, they simply DONT REGISTER in my mind.

Little Boat motor

Two types of boat motor I’d like to talk about: direct and indirect. First, let me explain what it is. It is when you take your positive attitude and purposely ooze it at specific times that will get your kid in a positive, value-giving mood. Imagine a boat motor, it needs the revving up first. We can think of this on a macro level, and a micro level. The micro level is as you are driving your child to school, or getting him ready in the morning, are you rushing him, making him feel nervous and anxious? Or are you having an AMAZING time in the morning, playing music, dancing as you get ready? Leading with sternness, but still staying fun and positive because that’s what life is about? Do you dance in the morning? The macro level is the boat motor you are revving up throughout childhood. Because as he grows through this positive lifestyle, he will eventually run positively all on his own.

This brings me to direct revving. As a kid, my parents were RIDICULOUS in giving me positive mindsets about myself and about others. They both provided both, but moreso my father focused on showing how i can love others, and my mother focused on how I can love myself. Every day, she would tell me how amazingly handsome, good looking, and talented I am. No, not once in a while… ALL THE TIME. It annoyed me a bit, but you can be frickin sure as hell that I now believe each and every thing she told me. She ingrained it in my head, she filled my subconscious with this incredibly high-value self-talk. On a direct micro-level, do this as you are coaching your child into and out of social situations. Fill him with positive talk. Eventually that boat motor will go on it’s own. Now onto my Dad. I was raised Catholic and my dad focused much on loving and caring for others. He was always telling me how I could make others happy by giving them love. You don’t have to be Catholic to do the same to your child. Plus, whenever he was around people, he was ALWAYS chatting them up. Instantly getting to know a person very quickly, because he was genuinely interested in each person, and getting into a real conversation. My dad doesn’t do small talk, and I’m the same way. And because of his constantly social demeanor, I am in love with talking to people. But not only talking to them, DELVING into their lives. I probably do it moreso than my father. My dad revved me up.

This is how you rev up the little boat motor with your kids. So you can do it on a macro level, micro level, directly, and indirectly.

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Ellen just can’t get enough of Sophia Grace and Rosie. This time, Sophia adds in a little of her own stuff to the song, talking about her life and how her dad cries in the audience. Very cute.

She is an example of how a kid can do something big, which will prepare her for a successful future.

Here’s the interview I had with Sophia Grace’s dad about why she is so confident.

What substantial thing is your child doing?

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Somewhere right now, a perfectly happy three-year-old is being tricked.

She is given countless hours of TV time, a Wii, a toy robot that talks to her, and light up shoes; and life is fine. The addiction doesn’t come until those things are taken away from her, they go out of style, or are no longer fun to play with.

Once this happens, a void is created in her soul. She was tricked into believing that those things were her source of happiness, and now she needs them back again in order to feel better.

She sees a commercial for a new toy on TV and thinks that it will fill the void in her chest. Once she gets that toy, she is once again at equilibrium. A few weeks later the toy gets old, and she is back to the incomplete feeling she felt before. It’s an empty feeling of worthlessness—the same way a smoker would feel without his cigarette.

How to counteract this situation? Do the exact opposite of consume: create and experience.

What I believe is that toys get boring. After the initial high from getting it, it’s just a piece of plastic that you play with a for a bit until you want to become stimulated again. Instead, provide opportunities for potential passions and experiences.

What’s cooler? Getting rock guitar lessons with a professional guitarist, or playing Rock Band on the Wii?

Companies trick us into thinking that “more is better.” They tell us, “The more gifts you give, the better a person you are.” Say for instance your budget for your two children this holiday season is $800. You can sure buy a lot of dinky toys! You can also buy a bunch of video games, and an iPod Touch! But what if you took each $400 and spent it on one amazing experience for each child? Or maybe a few experiences?

Focus on the experiences being less about being a spectator, and more hands-on. For ideas, consult daily deal sites. I compiled some deals currently going on right now in New York City. Check this out:

12 Weeks of Fashion Art Classes for Kids
http://www.livingsocial.com/cities/3-nyc-midtown/deals/135513-12-weeks-of-kids-fashion-art-classes

Four Music Classes for Kids at The Early Ear Music Program
http://www.livingsocial.com/cities/865/deals/180970-four-music-classes

Eight-Week Children’s Italian Language Course
http://www.livingsocial.com/cities/865-nyc-upper-west-side/deals/159499-eight-week-children-s-italian-language-course

Feel free to get more creative, this is just a launchpad for the possibilities. (Leave some ideas in the comments for other parents to get inspiration from.)

Instead of concentrating on what toy to get your kid this Christmas, concentrate on what activity you think would excite him the most. Toys are a quick and dirty way to a fleeting happiness. Life is most rewarding when you are making something new by means of an activity instead of just being the spectator to one. The “toy” should be something that enables him to pursue a passion. If the activity is learning to rock climb, get him a harness with some climbing shoes. If you want him to become a songwriter, get him a guitar and two months worth of lessons. How about an actor or director? Get different costumes for him to wear along with a video camera.

Now, tell me that a DSi trumps acting lessons.

But without a goal, there is no purpose. The excitement of a new activity fizzles out from a lack of ambition to progress; there always must be something to work towards. Write down a clearly defined goal for each activity your kid partakes in. Put them up on a poster board in the common area of the house, and check them off as they are completed.

If it’s to become a musician, then he must write an entire song; words, chords, and melody. If an actor, then the goal should be to record a movie for the whole family to watch. Include a deadline for each goal to prevent laziness and procrastination. Sometimes it is better to set an incredibly short deadline than to spend too long trying to make something perfect; it keeps things moving and forces your kid to stay on his toes. The great thing about setting deadlines and goals is that your child won’t jump from hobby to hobby, sucking the life out of each activity as if it were a toy to be “played with” rather than something to breathe life into.

But be aware, the passion for mastering something lies in the process, not the completion. Treat each success as a secondary prize to the main purpose, which is enjoying the “doing” rather than “getting.”

Have I changed your mind on what it means to give presents this Christmas/Hanukkah? Let me know in the comments!

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“But once she gets on stage in front of cameras, it’s like she turns into a different person.”

Teaching children to be appreciative about life is one of the necessities of happiness. Without appreciativeness, there is resentment. But let me make this clear, being appreciative is not equal to the addiction to consumption. Two different things. What does this mean? A child smiling at presents on Christmas morning is not necessarily appreciative, it is more likely the fulfillment of the addiction to consumption. Being appreciative takes consciousness, unconscious people can not stop and appreciate what is. Unconscious people consume. Conscious people appreciate.

The Story Of How A Kid Becomes Spoiled

Imagine a toddler. Living the first three years of his life like a king. Food is literally spoon fed to him. He is carried everywhere. With the slightest yelp, he gets a bottle, food, or is coddled. He can do no wrong, because he is a baby.

Then, suddenly he has to do something on his own… wipe his own butt! Wait a second! I thought that was already done for me! To a child, they see all of the services they get as expected things, rather than appreciate them. When you finally begin to give him responsiblities of his own, he gets confused. He was at one moment being fed grapes from royal servants while being carried to royal baths, and then he has to do it all on his own… LIKE SOME PAUPER! All of the sudden, his parent, who once was his servant at his beck and call, is now spouting out demands: “clean your room! wipe your butt! say thank you! say please! no hitting! no yelling! no this! no that!”

What the heck? he thinks.

That would all be good and fine, if the parent kept to one stance. Servant or leader. But the problem lies with the parent. The parent will treat the child like a baby in some instances, and then expect him to do other things like a slave in others instances. It can be frustrating to a child.

The solution is for you to choose. Continue treating him like a baby 100%, putting his clothes on for him, putting his dishes away for him to avoid all anger tantrums. OR, to transition to what I call the “mature child.” This is where you give the child as many responsiblities as they are capable of. Once he can do something on his own by himself, you never have to do it for him again. Constantly be pushing him to try new things on his own, within good reason.

Then, at that point, he will know he is not some royalty with you as the servant. He was simply confused before, that is where the tantrums were coming from. But when you can give him a clear and direct path to follow, life will become much easier for the both of you.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Happens to a lot of kids at this age because of this reason.

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Philip Garber is an amazing person. He has challenges that most children will never have, while being one of the most cheerful you’ll ever meet.

Most people don’t have any passion in their lives. But Philip, he’s got a whole bunch. To name a couple, acting and photography.

And he may get bullied in his school, but he knows how to deal with it. Because someone with a positive outlook on life, care and love for others, and strong passions that give you purpose do not even recognize the negativity spouting from other people’s mouths. They are too focused on their path for any bad things to enter them.

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Notice how he doesn’t see his stuttering as a disability, because it’s not. If anything, it gives him abilities he would have never had if he was not a stutterer. He says, when someone speaks with him, they are always listening closely to what Philip is saying. They are sure to never miss a word. And that is how I feel talking with him: each word is special and important.

Whereas people can blabber about anything without discerning quality, Philip makes sure what he’s saying is damn valuable. I think this is what gave him his intelligence, the fact that he had no room to say anything insubstantial.

Notice how stuttering also led him to his passion for photo journalism. It was a way he could communicate with others in how he felt about a certain moment without the challenge of having to describe it vocally. Like I said before, most people don’t have a strong passion for anything. Just trying to move through life as quickly as possible.

Reminds me, do you want to see Philip’s photos? Here’s the link to his Flickr account: http://www.flickr.com/philgarberjr

And if you want to go see Philip perform in New York City, check out his theatre company’s website: http://www.ourtimestutter.org/

I’m definitely going to check out his show coming in November near Times Square. If you want to come with me, just call or email me. My info is on the sidebar below.

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Art class is flawed by definition. Everyone has their own way of seeing things, going about things, and even learning things. Its better to work at the very most in small groups to avoid this problem. However, one on one is best. You dont compare yourself, so there is no standard of what should be generally accepted.

Instead, focus on quality. Phaedrus’ definition of quality. Natural inclinations mixed with care.

Adult art classes focus on emulating styles but ignore natural inclinations of quality. Child art classes enable natural inclinations through negligence of care for love and passion and focus.

The best art teacher encourages natural inclinations while encouraging passionate care and focus in your work, as well as holding high standards to a students commitment in their craft.

Otherwise, you’re better off teaching your kid yourself than paying for an expensive class full of unfocused children and unpassionate and “low standards” teachers.

Grant Cardone is a New York Times Best-Selling Author, an International Sales Training Expert and the star of National Geographic’s TV Show, The Turnaround King. A regular contributor on CNBC, CNN, Bloomberg, Fox News and MSNBC, Grant has been covered by Forbes, Wall Street Journal and Entertainment.com and has been heard on over 700 radio shows nationwide.

When he says he taught his two year old daughter how to swim in the pool by herself, he means it. I saw the video. Outstanding. But why does he do this instead of just fencing up the pool? Because he believes in making his child fearless, confident, and a go getter. Not a child that avoids risky situations, but one that OWNS the situation.

“She OWNS the pool.”

That’s what it takes to raise a charismatic kid. A child that doesn’t avoid situations because of fear, but goes in head on. If you are a parent and fear runs your life, your child will grow up the same way.

Grant Cardone knows this and proves it. He says that as a parent, you MUST take care of yourself first and foremost. Parents feel guilty thinking that way, but they don’t realize that when they sacrifice their own contentment in life for their children, they are really HURTING their kids instead of helping them. Children learn from you, and if you are not content with life, they will be the same way.

“If a person’s just given something, they’re not going to be proud of it.”

Grant Cardone ain’t an emotionally unstable guy. It’s obvious that he’s here to make his life as amazing as possible. In that, he is showing how to make his children’s lives the same.

Find out more about Grant and his products at http://www.grantcardone.com.

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The truth is, there is never a time where you should pick your son or daughter up and coddle his wound, rocking him like a baby trying to make him feel better. If you want to grow a confident kid, his confidence must come from within. He must be able to get over the crying by himself.

This is not a matter of how much love you are giving your kid. Give as much love as humanly possible. But do not act as a tool in helping them feel better after falling down. They can do it all by themselves, and that’s what you want to teach.

The more you coddle your child when they cry, the more they will cry over any little thing.

The truth is, your kid will become addicted to your coddling like a drug. They will need it each and every day, even if they are not feeling sad in the first place, they will fake being upset just for some mommy coddle. It will turn into an unhealthy thing, like when a smoker needs a cigarette whenever he becomes the slightest bit stressed. Smokers can’t deal with problems on their own, they need a cigarette to calm them down. But the cigarette never actually makes them better, it just heightens their need for another cigarette. That’s why social smokers turn into pack-a-day smokers.

This is all about teaching your kid to control his own emotions… by himself! If he gets hurt on the ground, you can teach him to pick himself up, dust himself off, work through the initial pain, and then keep going.

I see parents turn simple scuffed knees into huge scenes, and kids play along because hey, if the parent is making it into something big, why shouldn’t the son?

So what do you do when your kid is crying? It’s so simple.

Be the exact way you’d want your child to feel at that moment: Calm and in control.

Be rational about things, because your child has not yet learned what is rational and what is irrational. Be that guide for them. Show them that most times crying isn’t necessary. Teach them how to transition out of crying into a mature “dealing with it on their own.”

There will be less emotional outbreaks, less tantrums, and less crying over spilt milk.

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What is better than getting a toy?
What is better than winning a game?

Taking action.

Taking action is more exciting, more meaningful, more learning, more fun.

Taking action is ALWAYS better than not.

It is better to take action and LOSE than to not do anything at all.

To think, “I’m scared,” or, “It might not go the way I want it,” are just excuses your mind makes up in your head.

When you take action, you at least have a chance at winning. When you don’t take action, you ALWAYS lose.

Losing is never bad, because you don’t really lose anything. You are still the same person you were before. The only thing you get from losing is smartness. Why? Because now you have a map on how you can improve. LOSING is better than doing nothing.

Taking action is “SCARY + FUN.” It’s like reading a scary story, or going on a roller coaster. The unknown is always scaryfun.

Scaryfun was made for a reason. It’s a special kind of fun that only certain kids know about. It’s like the secret type of fun because it scares most kids away, so only SOME kids get to do it. It’s like a VIP type of fun. If you know that the fun is MADE to scare you away, it’s not as scary anymore.

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Just hashing out the video, this whole concept of “stranger danger” is ruining our lives more than protecting them. They are slowly turning us into a worldwide population of agoraphobics that are scared to interact with anyone fearful that they are dangerous.

But the serious thing is, the more you seclude yourself, the more you avoid strangers, the easier it is for cruddy people to hide within a community. My theory is that cruddy people purposely stick themselves into towns where nobody knows each other, because they fit right in. They are attracted to the ‘antisocial’ towns, because that reminds them most of their sociopathic selves. But what’s just as bad as this, secluding yourself and avoiding strangers just inevitably revitalizes the cycle and injects fear into the heart of your little one. It’s more likely he or she will turn into a little agoraphobic himself.

Remember in the olden days? Everyone knew each other in their neighborhood, kids played on the front lawn together, waved “howdy doo!” to the people passing by. “Hi, Mr. Garfield! Thanks for taking out our garbage while we were away!”

Mr. Garfield was part of the community, everyone knew him. You knew him, you knew he lost his wife from cancer, and that his son is in college. And you know that he picks up his mail every Sunday at the crack of dawn. You know his favorite restaurant is The Savoy Tannery because he tells you about it every morning before he goes to work. And he knows about your family too.

There’s a bond built in your neighborhood, and if anything wrong happened to your kids back then, Mr. Garfield would be there in a flash, because your family and him are connected.

If someone moves in on your block, don’t just knock on the door and say hello. Bring over Sally from next door, and Mr. Garfield, and the Kracken boys, and bring a basket of strawberries from the farmer’s market as a welcome gift. Ask the new neighbor questions: where he comes from, what he does, anything that a friend would know about a friend.

When you build this sense of community in your neighborhood, in your town, everyone backs up everyone. The bad people either show their faces or flee to the next town that will let them hide in the crowd. In a town where nobody knows nobody, the bully thrives, able to single out and pick on the weak when there’s no one watching.

But a town where everyone is friends (or at least acquaintances) with everyone, bullies can’t survive. They need to pick on the weak, and know that strength is in numbers. So they either convert to be a part of the group, or they get out.

How are you going to treat the people in your community? Like strangers, or like family? The choice you make will inevitably effect the way your child interacts with the world as she grows into an adult.

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Bob: It’s all about exposure. We takes the kids to flea markets and art galleries all the time. We do a lot of creative things, and they’re always with us. Some kids get it, some kids don’t. But as a parent, you expose your kid to everything and then they gotta figure it out, for them, what they want for themselves.

Living in NYC is such a creative place, but if you didn’t live in New York, everyone has museums, everyone has Flea Markets, everyone has tons of things that they can take their kids to that they enjoy.

Anthony: Good. Another thing that I notice that you and Cortney do that I teach, I teach parents to treat their children less like babies and more like human beings, or even to say adults. What are some ways that you demonstrate this towards your own children?

Bob: You have to treat them with respect, you have to give them responsibility, and you have to let them fail.  I’m a middle class kid. Most successful Manhattanites that I’ve met in private schools, all of them were middle class kids.  Very few people were born upper class. They were scrappy, their drive was through education and hard work. So what I see is, when they have all this success, they take that away from the kid, and they forgot that’s how they got there.

We have a saying, “Keep them humble, and keep them hungry.” And we don’t spoil the kids, and we also want them to have desire. And that’s a real key, because you got to have a want in the world to get a result.

Anthony: And that brings me to another question. In the house on the show, I don’t see many normal toys in the house. I’m wondering, what’s your stance on that?

Bob: We’re about books and sports. And certainly they have one or two toys, but it’s kind of like the Channukah or Christmas celebration, a kid gets 500 presents and he plays with one right? So get the cool quality building kind of games or legos, or something where they’re creatively using their mind. One reason is the design standpoint, we hate clutter; but the second point is they don’t need all that stuff. And they appreciate it that much more what they do have.

Anthony: How have you done it differently with your kids compared to what you see everyone else doing?

Bob: To give you an example, Wolfie, he’s 12 was ranked one of the top ten basketball players in the country for his age group. And since he was six, I had him playing in Harlem in the Bronx. And he plays with tough inner city kids, I took him away from the white rich kids in downtown Manhattan. For a basketball reason I knew if he had a big future, he had to go where the talent was. But it’s also the mental toughness of it. Interesting article by Pete Carril, who’s the coach at Princeton, and he said, “It’s not a black/white thing, it’s the way you raise a kid.” And he says, “You look at a rich black kid that grows up in the suburbs, he doesn’t play like they play in Camden or the Bronx,” it’s just that simple.

You have to give that kid the toughness, let them fail. I think as adults, we’re scared to fail. On the creative side, a guy works on a screen play for ten years, and he never puts it out. Just do it!  With the houses, we’ve done thirteen houses. Some are better than others.  Finish it, some people are gonna hate them, some people are gonna love them. Go to the next one.

So I think parents are so scared of their kids failing. And they try to micromanage everything: where they go to kindergarten, where they do this, where are they gonna go here. Because they’re scared, but have the confidence that the kid’s bright and that they’re going to work hard. Because the hard work and the desire is going to take you further than the Harvard degree.

Anthony: I like how you mention, “Allow your kids to fail,” because that’s a good point. I notice a lot of parents that are scared of letting their kids fail. They’re scared of letting them lose once in a while. And I feel it’s an important thing to do. It makes them more real, it makes them want to work harder, and it makes them realize that when they get older, they are inevitably going to fail at things.

Bob: That’s what life’s all about. Exactly, and mommy and daddy aren’t gonna be there. And the private school’s aren’t gonna be there. And it really depends on how tough you are, and how much you want something.

But it’s interesting, even with the inner city kids, they all have handheld devices and $500 phones. Wolfie doesn’t have a phone or a handheld device. They’re more spoiled than he is haha. So you don’t need all the hardware.

And each kid’s different, Wolfie’s a phenomenal athlete, some of the other kids don’t even like sports. So we don’t push sports on them, but you have to be physically fit. Kids in Manhattan, or in big cities, to parents, education is so important. And they say, “We don’t care about sports,” maybe because your kid’s not so good. But kids should be physically fit. You look at obesity in children in America, it’s an unbelievable disease. And a lot has to do with the diet, the starches, and the McDonald’s; but it’s also about lack of exercise, kids are averaging six or seven hours of video games, they’re not getting outside. We were kids, remember we had that Presidential physical fitness. Listen, not everyone has to be an athlete, but at ten or eleven, you should be in relatively decent shape. Be able to walk a mile, or do twenty sit-ups, or whatever the minimal standard is. And there’s sports other than basketball and football. There’s cross country, fencing, squash, swimming. And all these Gen-X sports are amazing, because they take the competitive edge away, so kids can enjoy it more. But you got to have the kid physically fit.

Anthony: Yeah, I definitely agree. That’s a big thing. I notice more of that in suburbs, because kids are being driven around all day. Whereas in the city like New York, they’re walking a lot more, they’re taking subways, they’re moving around a lot.

Bob: It’s totally different, you leave Manhattan and it’s crazy. We were somewhere recently and I was shocked by the obesity and the diet of the kids.

Anthony: We talked about Wolfgang. Now, I also noticed Breaker. He’s in another realm. I notice he has the creative side. How did you bring that about in him?

Bob: He’s always been the one kid that loves hanging out with me when I design stuff, and he’s also a great athlete, but he’s not a competitive kid. He’s a sweet kid, and doesn’t like the competitive spirit. For instance, he’s taking break dancing now, and drums, and he loves that kind of stuff.  And he’s just had rhythm as a young kid, so you know you could see a kid move, rave to a beat when a song came on. And he loves to dance, and that was more his thing. I can’t take credit for it, Cortney’s the dancer, I’m a tall skinny guy that doesn’t move so good. So he just seems to like it and we do a lot of art with the kids, but I think with Breaker, he just likes hanging out with us.  I’ll say, “Hey, who wants to go to the Flea Market,” and he’ll say, “I wanna go!” So it was always that kind of thing. You can’t make him do it, but I think with him he just got it.  He sees things, even from having exposure on the show. Seeing how a TV show was made, he loved it. He’s funny too, because we shot a commercial for Shrek yesterday.  When he’s not on camera, he’s funny and cool, but more a little shy, but when the lights hit, he just lights up. You don’t have to prod him or coach him. He’s just into it.

Anthony: I think I noticed that in the last episode, during the Baptism, which was an amazing episode by the way. And I want to congratulate you on your seventh baby.

Bob: Thank you so much. That was probably one of our favorite scenes of the whole year. We’ve gotten very lucky with the production, being able to do the black and white, the 16mm stuff; you’re not going to see that on Bravo too much. It’s pretty cool.
Anyway, so the whole world’s changed. We’re still rewarding kids for Algebra and Calculus, and not rewarding kids for technology, art, and design. But those are the real fields that are important now, but the education system hasn’t changed. We’re sending our kids to private school in downtown. The kids are taking the recorder, I did the recorder when I was in public school thirty years ago. I mean c’mon, you need something cooler than the recorder. But it’s like the education system really hasn’t changed. Most people really don’t need algebra, but they’re teaching all the wrong curriculums, I think. And each kid’s different, thank goodness we have doctors and biologists and biotechnicians, but certain kids that aren’t into that should be rewarded for what they’re good at. And that’s what we try to do with our kids, we try to help them figure it out. We help them get there, and then nudge them where they need to be nudged.

Anthony: That’s a great point. I have ADHD, I have it pretty bad. And it was hard in school, because a lot of the things I was good at were not in my public school.

Bob: I was similar, I think I might add. I was similar to you.
(laughing)

Anthony: I see you have one of those good cameras, you look like a good photographer, you have the art side, I have a very big music side. I’m obsessed with music, I love writing music.  Creating things.  Where’s the classes on harnessing children’s creativity in schools?  I don’t see that.

Bob: No. And I was a great salesman. How many people do you know are salesman, why aren’t there sales classes? There are history classes, but what the hell are you going to do with history?

(laughing)

Here’s another tip I do. We try to take our kids and put them in uncomfortable situations. Wolfie’s team’s all inner city kids, there’s this basketball benefit which you’ll see [on an upcoming episode] it’s an unbelievable scene. And I made them all wear coat and tie, and get up and speak in front of two hundred people.  And they did it, parents cried, they were so proud.  And it was a huge deal to them. Take them out of their comfort zone. No kid unless you’re a breaker wants to get in front of two hundred people and do a speech. They’re nervous, everyone’s nervous, adults get nervous. But it’s like anything, you do it once or twice, and the fear goes away.

Bob Novogratz “Home by Novogratz” Interview

Check Bob and the rest of his family out (Home by Novogratz) on HGTV every Saturday night at 10/9c.

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Let’s break down “The Tantrum Killer Method” one more time, shall we?

1. Encourage A Regroup – Give her a quick, stern, loving (but not coddling), and calm pep talk. “Calm yourself, you are a big girl. This is not the way to act in public.”
2. Go Into The “Now” – Bring her to a calm area, begin to comment on the area, focus on her surroundings, leading her mind into the current moment, instead of retreating into her thoughts. Act as her temporary consciousness.
3. Lead By Example – Confidently walk her into the room and begin to have fun and laugh it up. Rev up her social engine then let it hit autopilot and step away.

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What is Social Momentum?

Social momentum is the theory that when your child is in social situations more often, the more confident she will be. If Sally hasn’t approached a group of people before in her life, it’s going to be a scary thing to do at first. Sally isn’t “shy,” she’s just not been put in the right headspace yet. She needs to get into “social mode” a little bit. She needs to warm up.

Ella Fitzgerald didn’t just walk onto stage belt out The Lady Is A Tramp without warming up for a good twenty minutes beforehand. Derek Jeter doesn’t just go up to bat without first swinging a good twenty to thirty times that day. So why should your kid be expected to just be the charming, outgoing kid after she spends most of her life being spoken for by her parents? She shouldn’t.

For now on, stop ordering food for your child, stop asking him closed-ended questions when he is fully capable of providing you with more than monosyllabic responses, and start throwing him into the social lion’s den each and every day. Get him accustomed to speaking to others without clamming up and hiding behind your leg.

Have high expectations for your kid, and he will comply with them.

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Fear of lowering their self-esteem.

I’ve seen it in the eyes of almost every parent I’ve worked with. Scared that they might do something that will make their children feel unloved or “less than.” Listen, you are at this website, you are making an effort to grow your child into best person he can be. You are not the parent that needs to worry about making your kid feel unloved.

The problem that I see most families have, is giving their child so much attention that they become emotionally spoiled. THAT, is really what you need to worry about.

Are you emotionally spoiling your child? And if so, what can the long-term effects of doing this have on your kid? Let’s break the word “spoil” down, because I think somewhere in the past thirty years, it has somehow turned into a positive word among adults:

spoil |spoil|

verb ( past and past part. spoiled or chiefly Brit. spoilt |spoilt|) [ trans. ]

1 harm the character of (a child) by being too lenient or indulgent : the last thing I want to do is spoil Thomas | [as adj. ] ( spoiled) a spoiled child.

Let’s read that again: “Harm the character of a child by being too lenient or indulgent.” That is exactly what spoiling means. Spoiling is never good. Though, I feel that parents feel guilty these days not spoiling their children. Parents are literally their servants. Parents do things for their kids even when the children are fully capable of doing the tasks themselves. And why? Because we want to show that we love them. But here’s the thing: if you are constantly doing this, you are only showing that you wish to be your child’s servant. And what does this do? Put’s your child in a place of control over you. Why do you think kids get upset at the slightest sound of “No?” Because they are in control, and someone in control does not accept the word, “No.”

It’s only when a child grows into a teenager do you see the real effects of this emotional spoiling come to fruition. Because instead of throwing a tantrum over the word, “no,” they now are capable of worse. They can rebel in different, more clever ways to show that they hold the control in the house. But you haven’t gotten there yet, a rebellious teen hasn’t even entered your mind.

But if you nip this emotional spoilage in the bud at an early age, children will not have to take the throne. In fact, they don’t WANT to take the throne. They just feel it is what you wanted them to do, because you are kissing their feet and feeding them grapes at the mouth at all times.

For a kid to be the leader takes a lot of work, they’d much rather you take the job.

The worst part is, they have no idea that once they get into the real world, on their own, without any parents, that they have no shoulder to cry on or thigh to nuzzle into. And that emotional void that hits when nobody is there for them SUCKS. All the child’s life, he is being coddled, but when he grows up, the coddling is not there anymore, and he doesn’t know what to do with the emotions he’s been passing off to you for so many years. Maybe he or she should pass off these negative emotions to a partner, maybe that will do the trick! But no, because most of the time the partner is looking to do the same thing. That’s why I feel most people get divorced, because they are all wolves in sheep’s clothing. They come off as loving, selfless people, and then after a few years the real neediness comes out. They show that in fact, all they were looking for was mom’s shoulder to cry on. But a partner can’t supply the endless well of emotional coddling that a mother can, so problems begin.

But what if you trained your child to be emotionally independent from a young age?

Not hugging him at every sore knee, or coddling her at every teary eye? Kids would eventually learn how to deal with it on their own. And the greatest part about it, is they will thank you when they’re older, because now they know how to deal with these emotions independently while everyone else is trying to figure out how to soothe their pain (drugs, alcohol, food, partner, shopping for new stuff) that their mommy can’t give them anymore as an adult.

There’s my rant for today. See you Thursday.

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Parents don’t realize the lengths in which they treat their children either like princes, princesses, or paraplegics. The idea that kids aren’t capable of doing things on their own is so ingrained in our culture that to see a child do regular every day tasks is almost taboo.

Even the idea of kids at two years old riding in strollers every day. Ridiculous! Why do energetic, fully capable children need to be pushed around in strollers? Think about it.. why? Because their legs will get tired? No. They can play at a playground for hours at a time and not get tired, but for some reason when they are walking on the sidewalk, they are suddenly cranky and can’t walk anymore. Maybe it’s because they walk too slowly? That’s simply out of inexperience in walking at your side. Give them a week or two to learn your speed, they will keep up. Kids can walk laps around you all day long. They do not need a stroller.

How about simple tasks like:

1. Preparing food on their own
2. Putting their dishes away
3. Cleaning their room
4. Getting dressed alone
5. Washing themselves alone (with supervision)
6. Speaking to the waiter at a restaurant when ordering
7. Having simple conversations with others
8. Almost everything else you do for them

It is disrespectful to children to act as if they can not do these things by themselves, and to treat them like babies. The reason they so often say things like, “I don’t know how,” and “I can’t do it,” is because that’s what you tell them every day. They don’t think they are capable because they’ve never tried. They assume, “If my mother is doing this for me it’s either because I can’t do it by myself or it isn’t even my job to do it in the first place.”

When you baby your child, you aren’t showing you love him or her. You are hoping that they do not stop loving you if you don’t do these things. The real love comes with teaching them how to do be a responsible person in life, and helping to lead them new situations, not do it all for them as if they are incapable.

Down below in the comments, I want you to tell me what responsibilities you are going to give your child for now on. The first week will inevitably be messy and slow, but eventually they’ll get the hang of it. I’ll follow up with you to see how it holds up.

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It’s our addiction to consuming.

There was this one movie I was watching years ago. Oh yes, it was one of the Matrix movies. That agent was talking about human beings, and how we are parasites. He talked about how we just consume everything we can, and then move on to the next thing to consume whatever else is left.

I felt empty watching him talk like this, because I believe him. I feel that humans are the biggest consumers on this planet. Not just in terms of food, but in anything. We watch tons of TV, the news, movies, video games, books, play with toys, listen to music, podcasts, whatever. And I will tell you the truth, most of it does nothing for us.

I’m not saying that it’s all bad. My life is good because of the things I have learned, read, and watched. But there also is much that was wasted. I could have been doing the more important thing in my life. The two things that bring the most fulfillment and contentment: creating and experiencing.

Why not creating? Because we’re lazy.
Why not experiencing? Because we’re scared.

It’s easy for a deer or a bear to experience life, she has no media constantly yelling at her to read this, listen to this, watch this. But for us, it’s incredibly hard to avoid all the noise. We see a commercial on TV, “That thing looks awesome! I want it!” and next thing you know it’s in our closet gathering dust.

Consuming has turned into an addiction. It is no longer just an enjoyable thing to do in our lives. Somewhere right now, a perfectly happy three-year-old is being tricked. She is given countless hours of TV time, a Wii, a toy robot that talks to her, and light up shoes; and life is fine. The addiction doesn’t come until those things are taken away from her, they go out of style, or are no longer fun to play with.

Once this happens, a void is created in her soul. She was tricked into believing that those things were her source of happiness, and now she needs them back again in order to feel better.

She sees a commercial for a new toy on TV and thinks that it will fill the void in her chest. Once she gets that toy, she is once again at equilibrium. A few weeks later the toy gets old, and she is back to the incomplete feeling she felt before. It’s an empty feeling of worthlessness—the same way a smoker would feel without his cigarette.

How to counteract this situation? Do the exact opposite of consume: create and experience. And then, PURGE YOUR BELONGINGS. Just throw out one toy each week or month, or have your kid donate it to a local shelter or salvation army. Make sure you kid understands what she’s doing, and does it willingly. At first, it may not be entirely willingly, but after a while she will get the idea and actually feel good about it.

(It is important that you do not just throw out toys without her knowing. It defeats the purpose of this exercise.)

So if you’ve read this far down, I want you to comment below telling me if you are actually going to try out this toy purge for now on. I’ll keep tabs on you throughout the coming months and we’ll see where this goes. Also, give me some other good presents that would be good for experiences and creation rather than just consuming.

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What is the crisis?

I believe people are being fired and laid off like crazy today because computers can do most jobs better than humans. What we need to do today is raise children to do things that computers can never do.

School today is the same as it was thirty years ago.

You go to school, you follow the rules, you are tested on how well you can comply with the rules, and the people that comply the best are rewarded with a number or letter.

The problem is the world is changing. Thirty years ago and beyond, schools were made to train worker bees. Most people went out and got jobs focused on complying with what was asked of them.

But today, jobs like that are diminishing. People are getting fired, being replaced by machines and computers that can comply MUCH better than humans.

But there is one thing that computers and machines can NOT do, and that is create and innovate. People today are noticed for their ability to supersede or sidestep the norm rather than complying with it. If you can do or make something remarkable, you are rewarded.

Steve Jobs dropped out of college.

If Steve Jobs was a good student (he dropped out of college), he would never have made the iPhone. He would have kept trying to improve upon the cell phone. Instead, he created and innovated. He went the totally opposite way and made something remarkable.

Notice how people that were taught to comply, did just that. Every company copies Steve’s idea for the phone, because that’s what they do best.

Find your child’s “thing.”

Instead of smothering your child’s excitement for life, find what it is that he is interested in and remarkable at, and immerse him in its lifestyle. Help him find his passion, the thing that he could do all day long, and help him take it to the stars.

Meanwhile, show him the benefits of schooling in a way that he can understand. I once worked with a six year old with ADHD that couldn’t concentrate on homework merely because it was pointless to do something that he wasn’t interested in. But the only reason he wasn’t interested in it is because he didn’t see the benefits behind them. Why would he want to learn to write when he could just draw his stories? I challenged him on that argument, and told him that we would both make a story: he would draw the story, and I would write it. Through my words, I was able to paint a picture and communicate emotions to him that he wasn’t able to communicate through pictures. It was a turning point in his understanding of why homework like this is beneficial.

Take topics and frame them in a way that caters to something he is interested in.

By all means, push your child on doing well in school. But do not pull your hair about how successful he is with his grades. Because at this point in time in the world, they are nowhere near as influential as they were thirty years ago. Focus mostly on his strengths and passions, and then push him to master them. And if your kid DOES have ADHD, consider that a gift. He has a leg up on all his peers in terms of thinking outside the box.

Remember, having fun and working hard don’t have to be exact opposites. In fact, they should and must be coupled together in order to lead a happy and successful in life.

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Unconditional Parenting: Raising Narcissists?

Parents don’t realize the epidemic that is going on. For the past thirty years or so, since the eighties, there has been an outbreak of extreme spoiling done to children. Not only materialistically, but emotionally as well.

Can you emotionally spoil a child? You bet your pajamas you can.

It has nothing to do with giving your kid too much love. It has everything to do with showing affection at the wrong times. When a kid misbehaves, or even just displays behavior that you deem somewhat unacceptable, it is in our primal responsibility to show the child that it is not accepted in this society. Children need, and want to see this distinction. They want to know the difference between right and wrong on a deep, visceral level.

But when people like Alfie Kohn are telling parents about Unconditional Parenting, and scaring parents into thinking that anything less is “child neglect” and ruining the confidence of their children, they are essentially messing with the natural, biological basis for what it means to parent.

You can’t mess with mother nature.

Raising well-rounded kids is simple: You show affection on the positive behavior, and ignore the bad behavior.

Young children don’t take things personally, they don’t get upset when you ignore their bad behavior. And if a doctor tells you differently, they need to go back to school.

When you give love and affection to a child’s misbehavior, it just screws up their reality. It screws up their foundation for what is acceptable in society, and eventually turning them into narcissists. A narcissist is a person that needs to be right no matter the situation. A narcissist can never do wrong. So when you show affection to a kid when he in fact does do something wrong, you are raising a narcissist.

What is Organic Parenting?

It’s exactly what it sounds like. Organic Parenting is simple, biological, logical parenting methods. The funny thing about it is when done correctly, children respond to it almost as if it’s magic. But it’s not magic, they are simply natural biological responses to natural parenting techniques.

This is why kids don’t misbehave with me. Because I give them the signals that speak to their primal animal brains. Focus on what is acceptable, and ignore or quickly address what is not. This simple black and white distinction is easy for children, and when you give them something easy to follow, they take to it quickly.

But when you throw in all of this adult “mind stuff” (as Eckhart Tolle likes to call it), there is a grey area that kids don’t want to have to deal with. So they retaliate and do their own thing. Parents add in all this fear and guilt into their role as a parent, which makes kids confused. Parents think, “I don’t want to make my child feel bad that I am not paying attention to his bad behavior, so I will coddle him regardless of how he acts.” Or how about, “His bad behavior is simply a projection of his inner sadness. The turmoil brewing inside him.”

Usually, these projections are coming from the parent’s own insecurities rather than the child himself. Most of the time, kids are normal people with a clear mind and don’t take things personal, don’t feel bad, are not depressed. It is usually the parent that is making the kid depressed when he was never sad in the first place.

If you ask a perfectly normal child if he is feeling sad each day, he will eventually begin to be sad all the time. Ask a child if he is feeling great each day, he will continue to stay feeling great as he always was.

If you met me, you would never think I would write about something like this. I am constantly happy and giddy and playful with kids 99% of the time. People wonder why I’m not on some children’s show or the Disney Channel. But they never see the subtlety, the small code I give to kids. The slight turn in body language I make when they say a bad word, or do something I deem unacceptable. It pops up for just a second, and then the vibe is back to positive. But my body language and tone is so on point that a child will know exactly how to act with me.

My reality around children is so strong and focused that there is no grey area with how they should follow. I simply focus on the positive, I ignore the negative. SIMPLE!

Kids are addicted to following strong realities, and mine is the strongest. When they display good behavior, I make it feel as if the whole world is shining down on them. When they display bad behavior, I make it feel as if they are living in a ghost town. Nobody’s around. Nobody gives them attention.

I can just hear the parents getting riled up about that notion. But the reality is, children simply do not care. They haven’t been taught to take things personally, but you have. Things that you may see as rude or disrespectful are not at all like that to children. Children see things in their primal form. Adults see things through the eyes of the “ego.”

Adult: “Oh she’s ignoring me. She obviously doesn’t like me, I’m not a good person. I feel bad about myself.”

Kid: “Oh she’s ignoring me. It is apparent I am not displaying acceptable behavior.”

It’s only when we teach children the idea of “hurting your feelings” do they actually begin to “take things personally.” I hope that helped explain things and what I mean by organic parenting.

It is 1:30am right now and I’m half asleep about to put this article up. I am writing in stream of consciousness with little to no editing, but I want bring to light this highly skewed parenting method known as “unconditional parenting.” It sounds like something that is effective and moral, but in fact it is coming from an insecure mind.

Organic Parenting, taught by CharismaticKid, is the most effective, positive, healthiest way to go about raising a child. Do you see why I call it “organic?”

Anyway, hope you liked the article, and post your comments below, as I know you’ll have an opinion about this. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure I respond to every question that I get.

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In this episode, Anthony demystifies a popular parenting technique. Click for more…

What are the Lost Mic Sessions?

I recorded about five or six CKTV episodes while the mic was not on me. Usually, I wouldn’t allow such a thing to be posted onto CharismaticKid, but the value I give here in the videos are so beneficial and essential to growing a confident kid, that I just had to give them to you.

Do the opposite of what you THINK they’re feeling.

Something funny happened this week. I had a spontaneous idea to try opposite emotion coaching on a girl I was working with. She saw that her big brother had stolen her favorite new toy, and left it up in his room. She caught him. And she was just about to make a sad face. It was at the brink of being upset. Let’s call it a slight frown. Mind you, this girl is four and can get upset depending on her atmosphere.

An emotion coach would have told me to ask her if she is feeling bad about that. Or maybe say, “I see you are frowning, you must be sad.” Or whatever the type of things they tell you to say.

But I thought Let’s experiment here, see what happens if I do the opposite.

So I said, “How do you feel about this?” She says, “I don’t know.”

I said, “Does this make you feel happy?”

She says, “Yes, because now he can borrow the pillow and give it back when he’s done!”

Now stop for a second. What just happened here? She was on the verge of crying, but for some reason she found a positive in this. Think about what I said in the video. The reality and vibe that you put off towards your child is the reality they take on. If you show them that you expect them to get upset over something negligible, then they will. But if getting upset over something like that is out of your reality, then your child will not see it as an accepted behavior to take on. If you get positive about a certain situation, they will see that as the accepted behavior to take on.

What if every time you saw a clown with your kid you became nervous and frightful? How do you think your kid would feel if a clown approached her while she was alone after constantly being around a parent that freaked out around clowns? They will get the same way. She’ll think, “There must be a reason my parent is getting upset around clowns, I should probably get upset too.”

So what is the lesson I’m trying to teach you here? Rather than reacting to your child’s rickety, inexperienced reality, let your child react to your strong, years-of-experience reality that understands that little problems (and big) are not something to get upset about. You can view your life however you want. Nothing affects you, rather you decide how to feel about things.

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1. Cold approaching

This is one of the scariest and most awkward things to do for any human. Walking up to a stranger and starting a conversation with them. Or just convincing them to check out a website can be daunting even to an adult. But when you teach your child to do this at a young age, it stays with them forever. So much goes into having a good cold approach. At the beginning of the day, the kids were yelling at strangers, scaring the poop out of them when approaching. Either that or they approached with a quiet tip toe, and were ignored. They soon learned that the best cold approach is with slow, warm, and dominant body language. Speak slow, warm smile, strong eye contact. Keep those three things in mind when teaching your kid this stuff.

2. Raising money

An important thing I like to teach parents is to not give allowance to their children. This teaches all of the wrong things to them. It says that money will come to them on a consistent schedule, without doing work for it. We all know that is not how it works in the real world. Nothing good comes in this life without hard work, and to skew your child’s world view of that would be detrimental.
This project is telling Aric and his friends that in order to raise money for the development of his video game idea, he must go outside and get to work. He is learning that money comes from putting effort forth at something, which is exactly the lesson you want to teach your own child.

3. Creativity

Aric created this video game all on his own. He wrote up the script on his own, and he spoke into the camera on his own as well. He took his idea and is presenting it to people, which forces him to be vulnerable to the world. He is putting himself up for judgement, which is a scary thing to do for anyone. Notice how the last two cold approaches were rejected. Kids learn that business is not sugar trees and gumdrops. Some people will flat out ignore you. And that is okay. Confidence and perseverance is about staying positive amidst the rejection.

4. Value

He is learning the importance of what value is for the consumer. He knows that he is cute, which sells. He knows that his game idea is a good one, which sells. He knows that he can’t just sit out on the corner and ask for money, hoping to get hundreds of bucks at the end of the day.

How do I teach that? I will buy the art they make at school, but only if I like what they’ve made. If I don’t like it, I’ll tell them I don’t want to buy it. But if I do like it, I will give them up to ten dollars for a piece of art I think it worth purchasing. They learn that value is what sells. This preps them at an early age to quickly recognize where the value is and use it to their advantage. Value is everything.

Aric Shah’s “Stuffed Animal Smashdown!”

What is this?
Aric Shah, a six-year-old Park Slope resident (attending first grade at PS 321), has created his own video game called “Stuffed Animal Smashdown!” Think of it like a mix between Mario Kart, Bumper Cars, and Sumo Wrestling. He wants to get his idea funded for development, and he needs your help.

Aric is setting an example of what kids in Park Slope are capable of by showing his entrepreneur skills and getting his game out to market.
Go to the website, http://www.stuffedanimalmashdown.com, check out his videos, spread the word, and most importantly help fund the game!

The Cause
Aric is pioneering the brigade of children that want to no longer be seen as babies but as innovators and creators. Donʼt just fund a video game, but donate towards the cause for adults to recognize the value children can bring if they are encouraged to follow their passions.
When you help fund the development of his idea, you are helping the children entrepreneurs all around the world. It will give confidence to kids to start their own endeavors and give worldwide acceptance to the idea that children can in fact become successful.

Park Slope Families
Your involvement also helps Park Slope become recognized as a town that helps raise happy, creative, ambitious children. Aric is creating the spark; we ask you to help make it a flame. Donate now.