…with a better personality than most people I know. This kid is outgoing, sociable, funny, positive, and energetic. He has already learned facial expressions normally possessed by nine-year-olds. He uses adjectives like colossal and gigantic. He has no fear, and he is an approval giver. He was giving ME compliments! Most of all, he’s always living in the moment.
He was at a birthday party I was doing, so I chatted with his Mom to see what was going on. The first thing she said was, “I talk to him all the time.” But I wasn’t satisfied, so I approached her again. I asked her what she did to make him have such great social skills at such a young age. She told me that instead of talking to him from a logistical standpoint, she is always stimulating his imagination.
For instance, instead of telling him, “Let’s get in the car and drive to school,” she will say, “Quick! There’s a dinosaur on our car and we have to get in there before he eats us! It’s a learning dinosaur and maybe he’ll come to school with us!”
She is exciting his imagination while teaching him the beauty of creative expression towards others. Instead of making life seem like a chore, she made every little task into an adventure that she and her child had the opportunity to engage in. To translate this into a lesson for you, this kid’s brain is always being stimulated, he is never thinking of something as work, or as a wall to climb over, but rather something to enjoy – all the time. His mind is always being challenged from his mother — constantly keeping his mind active.
I think he’ll grow up to be an actor, businessman, or maybe a political figure, but one thing I know for sure is that he will be a great conversationalist and loved by everyone he meets. If you are not enjoying your interactions with your kid, they are not going to enjoy their interactions with others. When you are having fun together, speak with your child like they are your best friend. When it is time to be a parent, be a parent. But without seeing your child as your friend, they will always see themselves as just a child.
The same goes for your kid. Instead of teaching him the cheesy “Johnson residence?” line, simply have him focus on keeping a positive demeanor instead. Give him general guidelines to follow, and let his personality take the reigns.
The phone rings. Charlie picks up and responds with a warm and calm tone of voice. This should be his default affect at all times.
“Hello.” or, “Hi, this is Charlie speaking.”
“Hi. Can I speak with Marcia?”
“Sure. Who am I talking to?”
“This is Tim.”
Once the child knows with whom he is speaking, teach him to change his demeanor from warm and calm to enthusiastic. He wants to make Tim feel good about calling.
“Hi Tim! I’ll get my Mom in one second. Let me put you on hold.”
Charlie showed he was glad that Tim had called.
“Hey, Tim?
“Yeah?”
“She’s busy at the moment. Tell me your last name so she can give you a call back.”
Remember, it’s better to get multiple small commitments from someone rather than one big commitment.
Another thing to point out: notice how Charlie did not mention what his mother was doing? This is for safety reasons. We never want to let strangers, or even friends, know that your child is vulnerable.
If what you’re doing will only take a minute, tell Charlie to ask if the person would like to have a chat while he’s waiting. This is good practice for Charlie, and is better than making Tim wait in silence.
“She’s busy at the moment. If you stay on the line she can get to you in a minute, would you like that?”
“Sure.”
“Great. So what’s your favorite superhero, Tim?”
“Um… haha. I like Superman.”
“I like Superman too, but my favorite is Anakin Skywalker. Hold on Tim, here’s my Mom.”
“Hey Tim!”
Charlie, as taught, is the one who leads the conversation. He’s being taught how to act like an adult, and being Mom’s secretary can act as a medium for him to train.
I recommend teaching phone etiquette around when your child begins to read and write, for maturity reasons. As a guide, get out a piece of paper, write down these steps, and keep it near the kitchen phone. Feel free to use visual aids to help out.
If I get close, she’ll start crying and squeezing her mother for dear life. This is natural, especially if she’s not comfortable around men. The problem lies with how the mother deals with the situation. If the mom coddles her, she is confirming that her daughter should fear for her life and that I am dangerous.
When you protect your child, it should only be when her life is in apparent danger. Protecting your child when there is no danger present makes her fearful for her life in secure situations. Now how silly does that sound? In no way should a parent do this if she wants her daughter to become socialized and comfortable around others, especially new people.
Sometimes my superiors have told me to hide in the office during class, hoping that would fix the problem. In the short term, yes. The girl will enjoy her class without any fear of danger. But if the mother wants her daughter to overcome her fear of strangers, this is the worst possible route to take. She is putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.
If your kid easily becomes scared by certain adults who clearly pose no threat, the first thing to do is to strike up a conversation with that person while your kid is watching. This will prove to your daughter that you like and approve of that person. In no way should you pacify her by acceding to her demands; this will only tell her that her crying is acceptable, which it is not.
Keep a distance of only 1-2 feet away from each other and lightly touch each other on the arm when conversing. This will confirm that you and the person are now friends. Tell the person not to talk, touch, or make eye contact with your daughter.
I’ve spent a lot of time finding ways for very fearful kids to open up to me. I never approach them head on, and I never make eye contact, speak, or touch these children. In fact, I am giving 100% of my attention to everyone except the kid that is scared of me. She will see that I am a value giver, someone who spreads joy freely towards others. When I give all of my love and approval to everyone in the room except her, three things happen:
1. She becomes less fearful of me because I am totally ignoring her presence.
2. She realizes that her standoffishness is what caused me to naturally stay away from her.
3. She ends up fighting for my attention.
Kids and adults are different. Whereas an adult would consider being ignored as rude, a child does not take offense to something like this, as she does not possess an ego. The most important part of all this is your energy towards her fearfulness. If you reward her unnecessary fearful energy with comfort and protection, you are telling her that it is okay to be a scaredy-cat, and to do it more often.
Tell us ways that you deal with an overly fearful son or daughter. Tell us what has worked and what hasn’t. What is your take on this post? Do you think it will work, or do you think your kid will be too scared to even notice what’s going on?
Let us know in the comments!