You and I are walking into a grocery store, maybe an A&P, maybe a Shoprite, and as we walk in, I force you to say, “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” And I never explained why. All I say is,
“Every time you walk into a grocery store, you MUST yell out that word.”
Would you get a little pissy at me about that? Maybe you would even rebel at saying it? Whatever it is, you most definitely would be confused.
Take the same scenario, but instead I cock-a-doodle-doo’ed myself, and explained that I love saying “cock-a-doodle-doo” when walking into a grocery store because it is an effective un-stifling technique when practicing how to be more confident (this really works, and it’s fun too!) Maybe you’d consider doing it yourself as well. Not immediately, but as time went by, you realized the benefits of it and started doing it on your own. The more you did it, the more value you gained from it, and eventually it became part of your life.
Believe it or not, the first scenario is the EXACT way parents teach manners to their kids. They give them these ridiculous words to say, and tell them to recite them if they ever want something, after they get something, and after they’ve been bad.
No wonder kids hate saying “please,” “sorry,” and “thank you!” It’s ridiculous to them without any context involved. They have no idea why they are saying these things, they just know that saying “sorry” pardons them from punishment, “please” gets them things they want, and “thank you” sets them up for getting it again next time. Aside from that, the words have no meaning.
Why is this? Because you’ve never told them what the words are for. You just forced them into saying them.
Like I said in the video, I devoted an entire chapter in the book on how to teach manners to your children so they will fully understand their meaning and feel compelled to use them every day. It’s almost magic. As powerful as the tip in the video is, it only gives part of what’s in the book.
…when teaching your kid good morals and lessons, make sure you give the reasons behind each teaching, as well as how it can benefit them. If you can’t think of reasons why specific lessons and morals benefits them, then good luck getting your kids to take to them.
The absolute first thing you can implement today to get your kids on the manners tip is to express these same manners to your child, as well as towards others, in a genuine way. Take a moment out of the “rush” of your day and focus entirely on thanking a person, showing your appreciation for them recognizing you in whatever way. Make that person have a kick to their step after you walk away.
Show your kid the power you possess when expressing good manners. You have the power to make others feel amazing. And that is the biggest benefit of all.
Note: Notice how at first kids acted hesitant to interact, but when my response was something funny instead of something negative, they reacted with a laugh. The girl I was working with noticed this, and learned that if people are initially standoffish, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It simply means they don’t know you yet. This is an example of a lesson best taught by demonstration.
We explore new playgrounds, and each one has its own special vibe. Some are old and rickety (http://bit.ly/c0iKmI), some have hidden fruit trees (http://bit.ly/bTuAAj), some have a ton of kids, and some have celebrities visit (http://bit.ly/bWen5O).
But my favorite part about a playground is getting to play with each child I’m work with at that moment, and getting them to meet new kids.
I seem to always draw a crowd of children… Why? Because I’m still a kid myself, and there’s nothing more fun than letting out my inner child when I have the opportunity. And I know you have that same inner kid still in there too. It’s just been dormant for the past ten or twenty years, and you’ve forgotten how to unleash its fury.
Tired? Exhausted? Feeling lazy? Hogwash.
All of that goes away when you make that commitment to play. Isn’t it funny how after a much needed treadmill sesh at the gym, you end up feeling more energetic the next day? That’s how it works at the playground too. You will have more energy AFTER a good romp around the jungle gym with your five year old.
When your child sees you easily interacting with others in a social environment, they see how enjoyable it can be, and not a SCARY thing. You are effectively giving your child a master’s class on how to socialize. This is what I teach to parents.
If you have any problems letting that “inner kid” come out, take a second to soak in the moment. Watch how your child can turn anything into something exciting, and follow him.
If you see me at a park in Manhattan, come up and say, “Hi.” My name’s Anthony. I’m the goofy, crazy-haired twenty-something that is trying to make the world a bit more friendly.
Daniel Johnston is a manic depressive folk musician from the 80s with a high, nasally voice. But he is dead on when it comes to social skills. These lyrics are the basis to good, wholesome people skills. If you ever need a quick refresher course on teaching yourself and your children, then bookmark this page. It will be a breath of fresh air coming back to these lyrics every now and again. In fact, read them to your child every day [via the book], whenever you have some time together. Let the goodness seep into his being, feeling the true benevolence of each line. Explain what each sentence means. This will be a good start for understanding what is to come in the following episodes.
As soon as you enter a social situation, take no time to hesitate about who you want to interact with. Just go. An important aspect of throwing your kid into the “social lion’s den” is the overwhelming feeling of fear at first. You WANT the fear to be there. Avoiding fear only makes one more insecure than before. It shows you a way you can “get by” without having to put effort forth.
But we’re not here to teach our kids to “get by”. We’re here to turn them into tough little social animals. Fearless children with a wild heart. Calm or energetic, the passion is still the same. And you have to make your kid deal with the fear on his own. No coddling. Make him realize it’s an EXCITING thing to make new friends. If he makes a stride, give him reward and approval. Show him that you value confidence, not shyness. This does not mean that you are upset when your kid is shy. It simply means it is something you don’t value.
The best way to teach this immediate social behavior to your child is to demonstrate it yourself. Why are the kids I train so confident? Because I demonstrate strong confidence and fearless social behavior around others. The kids see that my reality is strong, and trust that it is the RIGHT way to go about things. Then, I will explain why everything I did was effective.
“Do you know why all of those people were talking to me?”
“Why?” Says the four-year-old.
“Because I was showing them how much I like them. And that made them feel good.”
If you keep your kid focused on socializing, ENGULFING her lifestyle with becoming a more confident, social person, she will eventually start taking to it. This is easy stuff, people. Whatever you focus on will grow. If you don’t focus on your kids social skills, it will fall by the wayside.
If you are constantly keeping your kid on the ball with conversation, making friends, sharing, etc., she will make the huge leaps in progress. So make the choice to turn your kid into that real-life superhero. She’ll thank you when she’s older.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.” -Dale Carnegie
I said, “Mom, I am a drastic person.”
When it comes to something I am passionate about, I don’t play around. I am serious about improving children’s inner confidence and social skills, and for me to approach something less than 100% that I believe so strongly about would be disingenuous to myself as well as the children I’m working with.
I believe that kids not only prefer not to be babied, but actually strongly dislike it. They like being treated like adults. However, if we treat them like babies, they’ll be forced to follow suit. Because nobody is going to object to being spoiled, it takes less effort than doing things ourselves. But deep down, we know that we don’t deserve it. And that’s exactly how kids feel.
I continually notice how children that are spoiled by their parents treat their parents rudely and with disrespect. But as soon as they are with someone who sees them at the same level, their entire demeanor changes.
…And I truly think that kids feel the same way.
When that three-year-old girl realized that I was not going to treat her like every other adult would, something happened in her mind. She suddenly realized that I respect her. I am treating her as an equal, showing that I see her as someone capable of ordering on her own. This alone is a confidence booster for kids. I am communicating to her that I think she is a mature individual. This is how kids want to be treated. You just have to show them that you truly feel that way.