Anthony Recenello reveals a secret kind of fun reserved only for the brave.

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Anthony Recenello explains what social momentum is and the benefits it has to your child.

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In this video, Anthony Recenello teaches you how you can be more effective with your social skills to children by being charismatic yourself.

Emotional Intelligence is such a huge part of social skills, that I want you to read this wikipedia entry:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence

It states that, “Emotional intelligence is the ability, capacity, and skill to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups.”

When you are not emotional aware of how you are feeling, how others are feeling, and how to control the emotions of both, your relationship with yourself as well as with others will suffer.

To check out Daniel Goleman’s book, click here: http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Intelligence-10th-Anniversary-Matter/dp/055380491X/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Something I have been studying most recently, though, is facial expressions. Dr. Paul Ekman wrote countless books on this topic, and I have hardly touched the surface on what these books have to offer. He knows every muscle in the face, where it moves, and how far it moves to get each specific expression of emotion.

He is the foremost human lie-detector on this planet, and has been hired by the CIA numerous times to help solve cases.

This exercise I’ve provided for you in today’s episode is something I’ve experimented on with several three-year-olds, all having made leaps and bounds in their own emotional and social intelligence through it. They now are aware of what they are feeling as it happens, as well as being able to recognize the emotion in other people… something many adults don’t have the ability to do!

Learning this skill at a young age can skyrocket your child’s conversational skills to great levels when they are older. You are giving your child a head start on being charismatic.

Here’s a game to do with older children.

Turn on the TV, and mute the volume. Ask your kid to describe how each person is feeling just through body language and facial expressions. Then put on a DVD and pause the video at certain shots of people’s faces. Ask him to identify how each person is feeling just by one frame. This is like flash cards for emotions. It teaches children how to quickly recognize the little things about a pesron’s face before the person expressing it even can.

This is powerful stuff, guys. And all you are doing is drawing on a piece of paper. Who knew it could give your kid superhuman powers?

Imagine the scene…

You and I are walking into a grocery store, maybe an A&P, maybe a Shoprite, and as we walk in, I force you to say, “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” And I never explained why. All I say is,

“Every time you walk into a grocery store, you MUST yell out that word.”

Would you get a little pissy at me about that? Maybe you would even rebel at saying it? Whatever it is, you most definitely would be confused.

Take the same scenario, but instead I cock-a-doodle-doo’ed myself, and explained that I love saying “cock-a-doodle-doo” when walking into a grocery store because it is an effective un-stifling technique when practicing how to be more confident (this really works, and it’s fun too!) Maybe you’d consider doing it yourself as well. Not immediately, but as time went by, you realized the benefits of it and started doing it on your own. The more you did it, the more value you gained from it, and eventually it became part of your life.

Believe it or not, the first scenario is the EXACT way parents teach manners to their kids. They give them these ridiculous words to say, and tell them to recite them if they ever want something, after they get something, and after they’ve been bad.

No wonder kids hate saying “please,” “sorry,” and “thank you!” It’s ridiculous to them without any context involved. They have no idea why they are saying these things, they just know that saying “sorry” pardons them from punishment, “please” gets them things they want, and “thank you” sets them up for getting it again next time. Aside from that, the words have no meaning.

Why is this? Because you’ve never told them what the words are for. You just forced them into saying them.

Like I said in the video, I devoted an entire chapter in the book on how to teach manners to your children so they will fully understand their meaning and feel compelled to use them every day. It’s almost magic. As powerful as the tip in the video is, it only gives part of what’s in the book.

As a general rule…

…when teaching your kid good morals and lessons, make sure you give the reasons behind each teaching, as well as how it can benefit them. If you can’t think of reasons why specific lessons and morals benefits them, then good luck getting your kids to take to them.

The absolute first thing you can implement today to get your kids on the manners tip is to express these same manners to your child, as well as towards others, in a genuine way. Take a moment out of the “rush” of your day and focus entirely on thanking a person, showing your appreciation for them recognizing you in whatever way. Make that person have a kick to their step after you walk away.

Here’s the ultimate secret.

Show your kid the power you possess when expressing good manners. You have the power to make others feel amazing. And that is the biggest benefit of all.

Note: Notice how at first kids acted hesitant to interact, but when my response was something funny instead of something negative, they reacted with a laugh. The girl I was working with noticed this, and learned that if people are initially standoffish, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It simply means they don’t know you yet. This is an example of a lesson best taught by demonstration.

Manhattan is like a huge Disneyworld for me and the kids I work with.

We explore new playgrounds, and each one has its own special vibe. Some are old and rickety (http://bit.ly/c0iKmI), some have hidden fruit trees (http://bit.ly/bTuAAj), some have a ton of kids, and some have celebrities visit (http://bit.ly/bWen5O).

But my favorite part about a playground is getting to play with each child I’m work with at that moment, and getting them to meet new kids.

I seem to always draw a crowd of children… Why? Because I’m still a kid myself, and there’s nothing more fun than letting out my inner child when I have the opportunity. And I know you have that same inner kid still in there too. It’s just been dormant for the past ten or twenty years, and you’ve forgotten how to unleash its fury.

Tired? Exhausted? Feeling lazy? Hogwash.

All of that goes away when you make that commitment to play. Isn’t it funny how after a much needed treadmill sesh at the gym, you end up feeling more energetic the next day? That’s how it works at the playground too. You will have more energy AFTER a good romp around the jungle gym with your five year old.

When your child sees you easily interacting with others in a social environment, they see how enjoyable it can be, and not a SCARY thing. You are effectively giving your child a master’s class on how to socialize. This is what I teach to parents.

If you have any problems letting that “inner kid” come out, take a second to soak in the moment. Watch how your child can turn anything into something exciting, and follow him.

If you see me at a park in Manhattan, come up and say, “Hi.” My name’s Anthony. I’m the goofy, crazy-haired twenty-something that is trying to make the world a bit more friendly.

Daniel Johnston is a manic depressive folk musician from the 80s with a high, nasally voice. But he is dead on when it comes to social skills. These lyrics are the basis to good, wholesome people skills. If you ever need a quick refresher course on teaching yourself and your children, then bookmark this page. It will be a breath of fresh air coming back to these lyrics every now and again. In fact, read them to your child every day [via the book], whenever you have some time together. Let the goodness seep into his being, feeling the true benevolence of each line. Explain what each sentence means. This will be a good start for understanding what is to come in the following episodes.

What does “The Immediately Rule” mean?

As soon as you enter a social situation, take no time to hesitate about who you want to interact with. Just go. An important aspect of throwing your kid into the “social lion’s den” is the overwhelming feeling of fear at first. You WANT the fear to be there. Avoiding fear only makes one more insecure than before. It shows you a way you can “get by” without having to put effort forth.

But we’re not here to teach our kids to “get by”. We’re here to turn them into tough little social animals. Fearless children with a wild heart. Calm or energetic, the passion is still the same. And you have to make your kid deal with the fear on his own. No coddling. Make him realize it’s an EXCITING thing to make new friends. If he makes a stride, give him reward and approval. Show him that you value confidence, not shyness. This does not mean that you are upset when your kid is shy. It simply means it is something you don’t value.

If you coddle your child when he cowers in fear, you are telling him that you value fear.

The best way to teach this immediate social behavior to your child is to demonstrate it yourself. Why are the kids I train so confident? Because I demonstrate strong confidence and fearless social behavior around others. The kids see that my reality is strong, and trust that it is the RIGHT way to go about things. Then, I will explain why everything I did was effective.

“Do you know why all of those people were talking to me?”
“Why?” Says the four-year-old.
“Because I was showing them how much I like them. And that made them feel good.”

If you keep your kid focused on socializing, ENGULFING her lifestyle with becoming a more confident, social person, she will eventually start taking to it. This is easy stuff, people. Whatever you focus on will grow. If you don’t focus on your kids social skills, it will fall by the wayside.

If you are constantly keeping your kid on the ball with conversation, making friends, sharing, etc., she will make the huge leaps in progress. So make the choice to turn your kid into that real-life superhero. She’ll thank you when she’s older.

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.” -Dale Carnegie

After my mom saw this, she texted me saying, “Don’t you think that was a little drastic?”

I said, “Mom, I am a drastic person.”

When it comes to something I am passionate about, I don’t play around. I am serious about improving children’s inner confidence and social skills, and for me to approach something less than 100% that I believe so strongly about would be disingenuous to myself as well as the children I’m working with.

I believe that kids not only prefer not to be babied, but actually strongly dislike it. They like being treated like adults. However, if we treat them like babies, they’ll be forced to follow suit. Because nobody is going to object to being spoiled, it takes less effort than doing things ourselves. But deep down, we know that we don’t deserve it. And that’s exactly how kids feel.

I continually notice how children that are spoiled by their parents treat their parents rudely and with disrespect. But as soon as they are with someone who sees them at the same level, their entire demeanor changes.

I think it is disrespectful to a child to treat him or her like a baby.

…And I truly think that kids feel the same way.

When that three-year-old girl realized that I was not going to treat her like every other adult would, something happened in her mind. She suddenly realized that I respect her. I am treating her as an equal, showing that I see her as someone capable of ordering on her own. This alone is a confidence booster for kids. I am communicating to her that I think she is a mature individual. This is how kids want to be treated. You just have to show them that you truly feel that way.

Notes

• Expressing every emotion of the rainbow makes a relatable person
• Avoid “assuming emotional context”
• What happened isn’t as important as how you felt
• “Draw emotions game” teaches your kid to connect emotions with experiences

I met the most amazing two-year-old today.

…with a better personality than most people I know. This kid is outgoing, sociable, funny, positive, and energetic. He has already learned facial expressions normally possessed by nine-year-olds. He uses adjectives like colossal and gigantic. He has no fear, and he is an approval giver. He was giving ME compliments! Most of all, he’s always living in the moment.

He was at a birthday party I was doing, so I chatted with his Mom to see what was going on. The first thing she said was, “I talk to him all the time.” But I wasn’t satisfied, so I approached her again. I asked her what she did to make him have such great social skills at such a young age. She told me that instead of talking to him from a logistical standpoint, she is always stimulating his imagination.

For instance, instead of telling him, “Let’s get in the car and drive to school,” she will say, “Quick! There’s a dinosaur on our car and we have to get in there before he eats us! It’s a learning dinosaur and maybe he’ll come to school with us!”

She is exciting his imagination while teaching him the beauty of creative expression towards others. Instead of making life seem like a chore, she made every little task into an adventure that she and her child had the opportunity to engage in. To translate this into a lesson for you, this kid’s brain is always being stimulated, he is never thinking of something as work, or as a wall to climb over, but rather something to enjoy – all the time. His mind is always being challenged from his mother — constantly keeping his mind active.

I think he’ll grow up to be an actor, businessman, or maybe a political figure, but one thing I know for sure is that he will be a great conversationalist and loved by everyone he meets. If you are not enjoying your interactions with your kid, they are not going to enjoy their interactions with others. When you are having fun together, speak with your child like they are your best friend. When it is time to be a parent, be a parent.   But without seeing your child as your friend, they will always see themselves as just a child.

When answering the phone, your emotional vibe is more important than the words that you say.

The same goes for your kid. Instead of teaching him the cheesy “Johnson residence?” line, simply have him focus on keeping a positive demeanor instead. Give him general guidelines to follow, and let his personality take the reigns.

The phone rings. Charlie picks up and responds with a warm and calm tone of voice. This should be his default affect at all times.

“Hello.” or, “Hi, this is Charlie speaking.”
“Hi. Can I speak with Marcia?”
“Sure. Who am I talking to?”
“This is Tim.”

Once the child knows with whom he is speaking, teach him to change his demeanor from warm and calm to enthusiastic. He wants to make Tim feel good about calling.

“Hi Tim! I’ll get my Mom in one second. Let me put you on hold.”

Charlie showed he was glad that Tim had called.

“Hey, Tim?
“Yeah?”
“She’s busy at the moment. Tell me your last name so she can give you a call back.”

Remember, it’s better to get multiple small commitments from someone rather than one big commitment.

Another thing to point out: notice how Charlie did not mention what his mother was doing? This is for safety reasons. We never want to let strangers, or even friends, know that your child is vulnerable.

If what you’re doing will only take a minute, tell Charlie to ask if the person would like to have a chat while he’s waiting. This is good practice for Charlie, and is better than making Tim wait in silence.

“She’s busy at the moment. If you stay on the line she can get to you in a minute, would you like that?”
“Sure.”
“Great. So what’s your favorite superhero, Tim?”
“Um… haha. I like Superman.”
“I like Superman too, but my favorite is Anakin Skywalker. Hold on Tim, here’s my Mom.”
“Hey Tim!”

Charlie, as taught, is the one who leads the conversation. He’s being taught how to act like an adult, and being Mom’s secretary can act as a medium for him to train.

I recommend teaching phone etiquette around when your child begins to read and write, for maturity reasons. As a guide, get out a piece of paper, write down these steps, and keep it near the kitchen phone. Feel free to use visual aids to help out.

1. Excited that he/she called!
2. Use his/her name a lot!
3. Gather information. (last name/phone number/message)
4. If Mom or Dad is busy, ask to chat or leave a message.
5. Don’t tell him/her what Mom or Dad is doing!

If I get close, she’ll start crying and squeezing her mother for dear life. This is natural, especially if she’s not comfortable around men. The problem lies with how the mother deals with the situation. If the mom coddles her, she is confirming that her daughter should fear for her life and that I am dangerous.

When you protect your child, it should only be when her life is in apparent danger. Protecting your child when there is no danger present makes her fearful for her life in secure situations. Now how silly does that sound? In no way should a parent do this if she wants her daughter to become socialized and comfortable around others, especially new people.

Sometimes my superiors have told me to hide in the office during class, hoping that would fix the problem. In the short term, yes. The girl will enjoy her class without any fear of danger. But if the mother wants her daughter to overcome her fear of strangers, this is the worst possible route to take. She is putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.

First thing’s first.

If your kid easily becomes scared by certain adults who clearly pose no threat, the first thing to do is to strike up a conversation with that person while your kid is watching. This will prove to your daughter that you like and approve of that person. In no way should you pacify her by acceding to her demands; this will only tell her that her crying is acceptable, which it is not.

The next step is to make sure you and the “stranger” have escalated beyond pleasantries to a personal relationship.

Keep a distance of only 1-2 feet away from each other and lightly touch each other on the arm when conversing. This will confirm that you and the person are now friends. Tell the person not to talk, touch, or make eye contact with your daughter.

When she is ready, she will approach him on his own.

I’ve spent a lot of time finding ways for very fearful kids to open up to me. I never approach them head on, and I never make eye contact, speak, or touch these children. In fact, I am giving 100% of my attention to everyone except the kid that is scared of me. She will see that I am a value giver, someone who spreads joy freely towards others. When I give all of my love and approval to everyone in the room except her, three things happen:

1. She becomes less fearful of me because I am totally ignoring her presence.

2. She realizes that her standoffishness is what caused me to naturally stay away from her.

3. She ends up fighting for my attention.

Kids and adults are different. Whereas an adult would consider being ignored as rude, a child does not take offense to something like this, as she does not possess an ego. The most important part of all this is your energy towards her fearfulness. If you reward her unnecessary fearful energy with comfort and protection, you are telling her that it is okay to be a scaredy-cat, and to do it more often.

Parents, now it’s your turn to give the input.

Tell us ways that you deal with an overly fearful son or daughter.  Tell us what has worked and what hasn’t.  What is your take on this post?  Do you think it will work, or do you think your kid will be too scared to even notice what’s going on?

Let us know in the comments!