I recommend getting your child to interact with as many people as possible each day. The old adage “practice makes perfect” rings true when it comes to social skills. The more people you interact with, the more comfortable they will be interacting. The main focus is not to interject during your child’s interaction with another person, even with another adult, as this will give your child the feeling that you are really running the show, and they are not important enough to speak to the person as equals. This may cause everyone a bit of frustration, since your child is not a professional talker, like yourself. Your child will take long pauses, speak incoherently at times, and may not talk much at all. This is because they are new to the game and need the experience. If you are constantly doing all the work for your kid, he won’t grow. Let him grow. The times where your child has the hardest time communicating are the times where they learn the most. Think of children’s social skills like their muscles, if you do the pull-ups and push-ups for them, they are not growing. Once again, this goes back to the life situation versus your child’s growth. Life situations can generally wait without you speeding the process along, but your child’s progress is necessary now. Take the time to work on it with your kid, despite life’s other issues.
When you are with your child, let them know that it is okay to “talk to strangers”. However, make sure they know that if you are not around, they are absolutely not allowed to speak with anyone that they don’t know. Make this distinction clear and mention it daily. Here are some situations where it is healthy to give your child the conversational reigns for interacting with others:
• Ordering food anywhere
• Shopping for new clothes
• Talking with your friends or relatives
• Holiday get-togethers
• Waiting in line
You are encouraged to allow your child to speak with all children and adults alike when they are in your presence. I want children to have the same conversational value as everyone else does, that is the best way to improve their character, social skills, and confidence with speaking to others. Encourage your child to join in conversations with you and your friends or family when chatting. You don’t have to include them in every conversation, as some are strictly for adults or are just boring to kids. That being said, it is possible to simplify conversational topics in order to get your child’s input on the matter, as not all topics necessitate discussion in reaching some sort of experienced adult decision. On the contrary, most good conversation is simply relating emotions with one another. It does not get more simple than that, and that is the type of conversation that anyone can join in on.
Once you understand the groundwork for why people talk to each other, it is easier for you to teach your children social skills the way you want them to learn it.
Get your child expressing him/herself as much as possible, the best way to do this is in the form of making statements. PERSONAL statements. Statements that are personal go further than stating generalities. I’ll explain what this means…
Let me ask you, what do you think sounds better?
“That is good.”
OR
“I like that.”
“That is good,” doesn’t really make any sense. It’s a tactic adults made in order to skip around the embarrassing route of self-expression. We are afraid that if we state how we feel, it will get shot down, we will be rejected, we will be making someone feel bad. So we try to agree with a universal truth, a consensus.
“That is good. I am agreeing with the world, that IS good!”
I’m not in trouble that way, I can’t be offending anyone, because all I did was state a fact, a truth. How can you argue the truth? If the guacamole is good, it doesn’t mean I liked it. It’s a clever way to beat around the bush, and it dilutes connections with others by avoiding making it personal.
The second one, “I like that,” is a statement that comes from YOU. It comes from an emotion, it is personal. It relates to you, making it relatable. It is also vulnerable. Vulnerable is good. Vulnerable shows that you are not afraid of being judged, which is also confidence.
One kid I work with is confident because he is okay with his vulnerabilities, and expresses himself fully. He not only expresses his strong points, but also his weak points. He says, “That scares me,” not, “That is scary.”
This difference may sound negligible and silly to talk about, but having your child get in touch with their emotions at a young age is important. This is a tip you can implement here and there when your child is speaking to you or others.
When children speak to me, they tend to speak in logistics. This is because adults talk to them that way. They say, “We’re going to the store to buy vegetables, then we’re going home.” Robot talk. There’s no unique perspective, just plain cold hard facts. And as we all know, robots are good for kickin’ ass, but that’s about it.
When the child says something, ask them how they will feel about it… in what way will it affect them.
KID: “I played ball with Aaron today, Mr. Anthony.”
I always return a child’s statement with another statement…
ME: “I love playing ball!”
This is the first form of expression I teach them. It also shows them I consider him/her as an equal, expressing my emotions towards them, which places their self-esteem at a high level. I will demonstrate how I feel when I play ball, keeping it visual.
ME: “When I throw it fast, I get EXCITED to see how FAR it can go. When they throw it back, I get SCARED if the ball will hit me too hard back!”
When you start expressing your own emotions about the experiences your child had, a special thing starts to happen. Your child will begin to more easily connect experiences with the emotions associated with them.
Usually when I do this, the four or five year old will stare at me wide eyed, visibly turning the gears in their head, downloading information… learning. Calibrate your expression and teachings to the appropriate age. This is useful for anyone, even adults.
ME: “What was it like for YOU?”
Depending where your child is at, they may start blabbing like crazy or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are teaching your child how to connect experiences with emotions, and that is what’s important. They will become conversational masters sooner or later.